12 Weeks
by CN Winters
Summary: Willow's life and thoughts after the season six ender 'Grave' and her time in England with Giles. This is a very angsty tale that deals with subjects like death, suicide and other rough stuff. Be warned. While this is not a Willow / Giles pairing they are together for most of this fic.


Day 1

I wake with a start to find I've been sleeping in Xander's lap. His back's resting against the temple and his fingers absently stroke my hair. Everything comes back. At first I think maybe it was all a dream but then I see the cuts on his face and chest... It was all very real. I start to cry again and he pulls me into his arms, trying to hush me. The sun is low so I figure it must be late afternoon. It's an odd feeling losing time and not being sure how long I've been in the same location. I hear thunder rolling in the distance but it hasn't started to rain yet. He tells me we have to get off the hill before the storm comes. I tell him to go and leave me there. At this altitude maybe I'll get lucky and get struck by lightening. He says that's not very funny. I tell him it wasn't mean to be. I'm being honest.

Reluctantly, I move to my feet with his help and we make our way down the hillside to Joyce's Jeep. Buffy never carried the keys. She walked everywhere she went and the key was always hanging on a hook inside the kitchen. Xander had the forethought to get home, get the car and race to the hill. He has doubts about his usefulness and his intelligence but as it turns out the guy is pretty damn smart when the chips are down.

He opens the door and helps me inside. As he starts to drive, I look out the window. I tell him that I hope she does it quick. He asks who does what quick; he's totally confused. I know what I am now even if he doesn't see it. I'm the 'big bad' and I know what the Slayer does to all the big bad's in the end.

"I hope Buffy kills me quick," I answer him.

He tries to reassure me that won't happen. It's not much of a reassurance because the only thing that would make me feel safe at this point is death. I welcome death more than the thought of going on. I never realized how much destruction I was capable of. I do now. And now now everything is fucked up beyond repair. Including me. The world's a better place, a safer place, without me.

We stop out front of the Magic Box. He turns the ignition off and opens his door, walking around to mine. He offers his hand and helps me out. My body is sore and my spirit is worse. He closes the door after I exit and wraps his arm around me in an almost protective fashion as he leads me inside.

To say the shop is a mess is an understatement. It's only lit by candlelight now but I can see the wreckage I left behind. Anya walks toward us. I'm unable to look at her as she approaches. She says something to Xander but I miss it. My eyes are focused on Giles who's still lying on the floor. It appears Anya has made him as comfortable as possible with blankets she found in the shop. As Xander and Anya talk I slowly make my way over, ignoring their conversation.

His eyes open. I prepare myself for the worst lecture of my life. But instead he smiles. Of all the things he could have done why did he have to smile? Something breaks inside me again and I fall to my knees, crying at his side. I'm sorry for everything - so sorry - and I don't think he'll ever realize just how sorry I am. I beat him within inches of his life. Giles. I hurt Giles. I hurt all of them. What's worse is not only did I physically harm them but I destroyed years of trust in a single day.

He moves to a sitting position and pulls me into his arms.

"Don't," I tell him.

But he doesn't listen.

I don't want his sympathy or his well-meaning platitudes. I want his wrath, his anger. He has no right to be this compassionate toward me. When I realize that he's not going to give up, I find myself apologizing in his embrace. I apologize over and over and he lets me ramble. He strokes my hair and kisses my temple slowly, repeatedly. He tells me he's going to see I get everything I deserve. Soon he starts apologizing for leaving months ago, for failing to see that I needed guidance he could have offered if he hadn't been so blind. Giles is apologizing to me? It just doesn't seem right but I'm crying too hard to say anything except I'm sorry. I flash back to the night I apologized to Buffy, falling to the ground as Spike led Dawn away. I was firm in my resolve to leave magic behind. But what changed? Suddenly, I remember Warren took away my heaven in just three seconds time.

The place is a wreck but the bell on the door still works. I hear the jingle and I turn to see Buffy and Dawn enter. I look to Giles and he nods me toward them. Slowly I rise to my feet, wiping my eyes. In six years that I've known Buffy I could always read her pretty well when she was sad, happy, angry, scared but at this moment I'm not sure what the expression means. Dawn is now half hidden behind Xander, peeking around, watching me. She's the only one that seems to see me for what I am. A monster. Something to be feared.

"I know I don't deserve it but do it fast," I tell Buffy as I begin to close the distance between us.

I'm hoping she accommodates my request. Silently, she walks over. She starts crying and pulls me close to her. Seconds later, I cry too. But I'm confused. I'm not sure if I'm crying because she loves me too much to kill me or I'm crying because she won't give me the exit I crave as we stand wrapped in each others arms.

The rest of the night seems to go by in a haze. I remember apologizing to Anya and her walking away without comment. I remember taking a shower at the Summer's house. I remember Buffy taking me upstairs to her bedroom. I remember Xander on the phone with the morgue. Buffy mentions something about decisions, next of kin. She has all kinds of questions I don't have answers to. I'm having a hard time focusing at the moment. When I can't answer she strokes my back and says 'I'll take care of it' as she leaves the room. The touch seemed reassuring but that look in her eyes...I still can't get a handle on it. Even hours later.

I lay in bed in a fetal position and wonder why I'm not dead yet. Why can't I be dead? Is that too much to ask? I see Giles peek his head inside the door. His wounds have been tended to and he sports a bandage on his head, thanks to one of the many gashes I put on his body. He tells me to try to get some rest. Seems we'll be leaving for England in the next day or so. He's making arrangements for me over there. I give a nod and as he leaves I finally feel a sense of calm pass over me. I know why I'm going to England. He's going to kill me there with the council's help. I'm going to get what I deserve like he said. I'm sure of it. Finally I'll be free of this life. With that thought I'm finally able to close my eyes.

Day 2

This waking up and not realizing where I am is getting old already. But at least this room looks familiar. It's Buffy's room and I see Giles lying next to me asleep. I struggle to piece together how long I've been in this bed. I honestly don't know. I'm burning up and I feel how damp my forehead and clothes feel from my sweat. My body starts convulsing and the jerks I can't control wake up Giles. He calls out to Buffy and suddenly she's standing in the doorway.

"It's starting," he tells her. Quickly, she darts away yelling for Dawn to get the ice.

It's starting? What's starting? Ice? What the hell is happening to me?

I try to speak but I can't make a sound. I can't even cry. Maybe this is it. Maybe I'll die now. That thought seems to calm me more than Giles who's gathered me in his arms to stroke my hair.

Buffy returns with a bucket and Dawn watches from the doorway until Buffy orders her to wait in the hall. Surprisingly, she does without argument. My head is swimming and it's getting difficult to breathe. I can't seem to swallow and instinctively I clutch my throat. Giles opens my mouth and points Buffy toward a bag that's sitting on her dresser. Without prompting she gives him something that looks like a tongue depressor before turning around again. Giles tries to keep my head still but he's not having much luck with the spasms and he calls out to Dawn. She peeks inside. He tells her to get behind me and keep my head still. She does as he asks and he opens my mouth and pushes on my tongue.

"The pump or the needle?" Buffy asks, looking through the bag.

The pump or the needle? What pump? What needle?

"Let's try the drugs first," he tells her. He looks back to me. "We're going to give you a muscle relaxer. Your throat is constricting Willow. You won't be able to breathe if we can't get your muscles to relax. You're coming down off the magic high."

Buffy turns back around with a syringe in her hand, testing it to make sure the air bubbles are gone. Once finished, she hands it to Giles.

"All set?" he asks to be sure.

"All set," she tells him.

He tells Dawn to steady my head as much as possible and I feel the needle puncture the skin of my neck and the burning sensation that follows. Within seconds my spasms subside but Giles still keeps my mouth open, my tongue depressed.

"Is she gonna be okay?" I hear Dawn call behind me. Buffy looks doubtful and avoids the question, going over to the bucket she brought in.

"She's going to be fine Dawn," Giles tells her. I've known Giles long enough to read him too. He isn't sure either.

"The towels?" Buffy asks.

"Yes," he tells her. "We need to lower her temperature."

Next, I feel an ice-cold towel draped over my legs. Then comes another that covers the top half of my body. Giles points back to the bag and Buffy goes over and brings a temperature strip which Giles places on my forehead.

After a few moments he takes it off and looks at it closely.

"Dawn, go run a cold bath. Start making another bucket of ice. Quick as you can go!"

She sets me back down on the bed and dashes from the room. Buffy takes Dawn's place behind me and Giles looks up at her. "She's at 104.6. The towels aren't working."

104.6? 106 means brain damage. Sometimes it's a bitch being intelligent. Death I can handle but I'm not sure if brain damage is something I want to struggle with the rest of my miserable life. At this point I'd take jail for killing Warren than feeling this way for another minute. In the end I think maybe he got the better end of the bargain. He no longer has to deal with living and if I could trade roles right now at this moment I would. I remember coming down from Rack's highs but it was never as bad as this right now.

I feel Buffy and Giles lead me into the bathroom. Buffy asks if they should undress me but Giles says there's not time. It's only up to my shins and it's freezing. Buffy leans over me to make sure my back doesn't crash against the tub surround. Once I'm settled inside she tells Giles she's going to help Dawn. Giles gives her a nod and starts to pour some of the cold water over my shoulders and head. I shake as a result and he apologizes repeatedly, saying it needs to be done.

Buffy returns a few minutes later. The tub is nearly filled and just when I think it isn't possible to get any colder she dumps the ice into the tub. I'm convinced they are trying to kill me now from hypothermia. Dawn comes in next with a new strip for my forehead and Giles administers it. After a few moments he reads it and lets out a sigh.

"100.4" he tells them.

Dawn grins and Buffy runs her hands over her face in what appears to be relief. But in honesty I'm not sure. She's distant now. More distant with me than she's ever been. It's going to be a long night and an even longer day. Tara's showing should be tomorrow if I'm counting my days right. For now I continue to sit in the cold water, shivering.

Day 3

Xander hands me a cup of coffee as he takes a seat next to me. Coffee. Earlier this week I drank coffee with Tara. She smiled. She flirted. And then she came home to me And now she's gone again. This time forever.

"How you holding up?" he asks.

"I'm here barely."

"I thought you should know the guys at the site took up a collection to help with the costs here so don't worry about it. Giles and I got the rest covered."

Actually that hadn't entered my mind. How would I pay for all this?

"Thanks," I say softly. I play with the swizzle stick in my coffee before taking a small sip. Cappuccinos I can handle but coffee always made me jumpy. My nerves are shot as it is.

It took all the focus I had the night before to pick out one of Tara's dresses her blue one. She always looked beautiful in blue. Buffy said she'd take it to the funeral director. It never occurred to me how I would pay him for the service. I was sure Mr. Maclay wouldn t cover a dime of it. He disowned Tara or more to the point she disowned him by choosing her family over her kin. I didn't even have a way to contact him about what had happen. Tara never spoke of her family before they arrived in Sunnydale and she never spoke of them afterward.

She got a full scholarship to Sunnydale U without her family's approval. She applied, won and then sent them a note from campus telling them where she was and what she was doing, not bothering to add more. The more I got to know her the more I realized she was highly intelligent although extremely shy. Much like I was until Buffy came into my life It seemed odd but the more time I spent with Tara the more she opened up to everyone around her. Those people were here now professors and students - offering their condolences, hugging Buffy who stood vigil at Tara's coffin. I just sat in the corner, taking up space, nursing my coffee.

Once Tara knew people she had no trouble telling them what she thought. The nervous stutter disappeared and she was quite eloquent. I grin as I think about the argument she and Anya had when Anya wanted me to use magic to release the spell that kept us all locked in Buffy's house. Tara was always mild mannered but she wasn't a push over. She'd fight for what she believed in and even though she had left me, she fought for me that day. Reason being, she still believed in me.

I wonder what she would say after this weekend. All the damage I've done. Would she believe in me again? Would she think I could regroup after all this? I'm really not sure. Giles had asked me during my rage if I considered what Tara might say about all this. At the time I didn't care. I wanted vengeance. Now, since all I have is an aching, hollow feeling, I find myself asking that question, scared to admit what she would say.

I overhear people asking if the police had caught the man that killed Tara. Each time Buffy replies the same way. She says, "No and I'm sure he's long gone at this point." I'm a bit surprised. I honestly didn't think she would 'hide' my deeds. I guess being a Slayerette has its privileges like getting away with murder. Of course I'm not sure how much I really got away with. I've lost quite a bit. My friend's trust. My sanity. A big chunk of my soul. Buffy still doesn't make eye contact with me for more than two seconds. Neither does Dawn. Not that I can blame either one of them. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to clear my head. Xander must feel my mood shift because he wraps his arm around me.

"Now there's a blast from the past," I hear him say. I look up to see Rabbi Mershmen walk in. He gives me a gentle smile and I rise to my feet with Xander following.

"Mr. Harris," he nods to Xander as he comes over.

"It's good to see you Rabbi," he replies offer his hand. "It's been awhile."

"Yes it has. I wish it were under different circumstances." He then turns to me and opens his arms. I take the invitation and give him a hug. "Your mother called from France sweetheart so I thought I would stop by. You know my doors are always open if you need it."

I grin for the first time all night. "Thank you Rabbi Mershmen."

"Not a problem my dear. Is that your friend Buffy over there?" he points. I give him a nod.

"I'm going to offer my condolences If you'll excuse me..." He lets me go and I watch him walk over to Buffy and they exchange a short conversation before he hugs her and walks over to see Tara. I watch him give a short prayer before making his way back over.

"I asked Buffy if you're set for services tomorrow and she said that a pastor will be stopping by. But if you need anything don't hesitate to contact me. Understand?" He takes me by the hand and gives a light squeeze.

"Thank you," I tell him sincerely.

"There are a few women from the temple that are bringing some dishes by tomorrow since you'll be holding a wake."

We are? That's news to me. But I'm not surprised. I'm a bit out of the loop. I'm a bit out of everything.

"That's sweet but I don t want to inconvenience them."

"It's not an inconvenience," he assures me. "They're happy to help out anyway they can. Would you be kind enough to show me out?"

"Of course," I tell him as I lead him to the door. Once we're alone, he turns to me. "How are you doing sweetie? Really?"

"Really?" I ask. He just nods. "I wish I were dead. I wonder why it couldn't have been me in front of that window." Then I could have saved my friends all the grief I've caused. All the damage I've done wouldn t have happened. And Tara would have the sense and grace to go on unlike me.

He runs a hand across my cheek. "It's not your time. God still has a plan for you. It might be hard to see that now but realize you still have a purpose here. And you still have family and friends that love you Willow. Don't lose faith."

"It's hard," I tell him.

"Yes it is," he agrees. "It might have been a few years since I've seen you but I remember," he grins. "You're a good person Willow. You need to go on, not just for you but for all of them. For Tara too."

"I didn't think the synagogue was into consoling lesbians," I grin.

"I'm consoling a good person with a good heart. It's not my place to judge anything beyond that I don't want to intrude, which is why I'm leaving, but if you'd like me to stay-."

"Go on," I tell him with a playful shove, "Get outta here."

"Alright," he nods as he kisses me on the forehead. "Be strong little one."

"I'll try."

I watch him leave. After he's gone I turn around to see Giles.

"Your Rabbi?" he asks.

I walk back to him, nodding. "Yeah my mother called him." Quickly I realize my lack of manners. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce you Giles. I just-."

"Don't worry about it Willow. You've got a lot on your mind dear."

I nod and I feel him wrap his arms around me. He holds me and I just enjoy the safe feeling it gives me if only for a moment. "Do you want to go back inside?" he finally asks.

"No but I guess I have to huh?"

He strokes my cheek but I watch him look toward the door. Next, I hear him call over my shoulder.

"Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg. We thought you were out of town."

I turn around to see my parents standing there. "We just got in from the airport. We came straight here," my mother tells him.

"Well, I'll leave you alone. I'm going to check on Dawn," he announces. As he slips away I walk over to them.

"Mom; Dad," I nod toward them. "I'm glad you could make it."

My mom starts to cry and it feels contagious. She pulls me into a hug and kisses my temple. "I'm so sorry sweetie."

I'm surprised she cares. She didn't like Tara very much. She was such a backwards girl she told me once. Plus the fact she was a girl too. That didn't help much. She always managed to work in a 'sin' factor when she could. We'd grown a bit distance since I came out but to be honest there wasn't much of a closeness there to start. My parents always had a busy life that I was never a part of. I found as the years went by that Giles felt more like my father and Joyce like my mother. Buffy's family had become my own much like we had all become Tara's. And I wonder, when my mother dies will I take it as hard as I did Joyce's death. And when it does happen who will console me now that Tara's gone.

I pull back and wipe my eyes.

"How you holding up Sport?" my father asks.

"I don't know. If mom died how do you think you'd feel?" The sarcastic words are out before I can pull them back in. "I'm sorry," I tell him. "As you can see not very well."

"It's okay," he says. "It's natural to lash out. It's part of the grieving process."

Natural to lash out. If he only knew the half of it.

Dad always the psychologist. It's ironic in that irony is a pain in the ass kinda way. He spends so much time fixing other people but his own daughter becomes a homicidal maniac. I wonder if it's his lack of skills as a psychologist or lack of skills as a father that could bring me to this point. I don't dwell on it though. It bothers me to think about it. Besides, my parents aren't that bad. It could be worse. I could have Xander's parents. And in the end it's not his fault at all. It's my own.

"Come on," I tell them as I motion toward the parlor room. Xander see us enter and he comes over to greet my folks. They always liked Xander. They even wished I'd 'settle down' with him someday. Even if he wasn't a 'nice Jewish boy' he was still better than the Baptist woman I lived in sin with.

We make our way over to Buffy and she excuses herself from a conversation to finish the journey over.

"I see you made it," Buffy nods approvingly.

"Yes, well the 'Get your ass home and visit your grieving daughter' comment didn't go unheard," my mother tells her.

Buffy looks over at me briefly. "Sometimes Anya isn't the only one lacking in tact," she tells me. "My bad."

Speaking of which, I look around and see that Anya is now talking with Xander and Giles. I grin for just a few seconds when I think about her condolence speech of, "I'm sorry that Tara got shot and died. She was a nice person. Would you like some orange juice?" Out of all the well-wishers it's actually Anya that brought a smile to my face, even though the real reason was unintentional on her part I'm sure. Yet again I think the irony

Day 4

The morning went by in a blur. I remember getting into Xander's rental car but I don't remember walking into the funeral home. I don't remember meeting the pastor. I don't remember his sermon. I don't remember even seeing Tara's body in the parlor room. Suddenly I'm standing at an open grave, looking at a cherry casket. Perched behind is a gray headstone with black letters 'Tara Maclay October 16th 1980 to May 7th, 2001'.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look back to see Giles standing behind me. "We need to go home now," he tells me.

That's great. But I don t have a home anymore. Tara was my home. My everything. I feel like jumping inside and letting them bury me too. Maybe that way we'd be together. With a heavy sigh I turn and follow him. Tomorrow we leave for England. Tomorrow I die. It's comforting in a way.

Day 5

Giles opens the door of his Westbury cottage and motions me to step inside. Tentatively I pass the threshold. It's not a large home. It's quaint, charming totally Giles. It's a scholarly bachelor pad with tons of books and records lining the far wall. He sets his suitcase down and takes mine from me. Any doubts I had about dying were realized when he told me to pack enough clothes for two days. At least I know how long my stay of execution will be.

Sure he could have let me die when the withdrawals were at their worst but I figure the council probably has to have a hand in it somehow, someway. Maybe I'm too powerful now. Maybe they'll lock me up in some magical dungeon instead as a form of punishment. I'm really not sure and a large part of me doesn't care. The only one to see us off at the airport was Xander. Buffy, Dawn or Anya weren't there. Not that I blame them.

He leads me through the house showing me where everything is. He jokes that he wishes he'd rented a place with two bedrooms but he didn't expect company so I'll be bunking with him. His sofa is far too lumpy for any human to sleep on, he adds. He shows me the bedroom and puts my suitcase on the bed. He points out a drawer and says when I'm finished unpacking to join him in the kitchen and we'll go out to do some clothes shopping.

"Clothes shopping?" I ask.

"Well yes, you'll be here for at least the next three months. You'll need more than what's inside your suitcase. It's May I know but it's also England. Something warmer will be in order I assure you We'll go after you're settled in."

He turns and leaves, allowing me some private time. I suddenly realize he's really not going to kill me. Nor will the council. Sure he let me go to the funeral. Sure he consoled me as I grieved. But deep down had the feeling he was acting on council orders to see I was returned and 'taken care of'. It appears that's not the case. Chances are there's no magical dungeon either.

Quickly, I check my pocket. I have the $1000 Xander offered and I reluctantly took. I planned to have it sent back to him but now I wonder if it will be enough over here. My brain computes the currency exchange and I grin for just a moment. Badass black magic bitch who's still a major geek under all the Goth. I know the funds I have won't take me very far but I'll stretch it as far as I can. I wonder if it will be enough. Xander offered to wire over more if I needed it but I couldn't ask him for more. He's already given me so much and not just the money.

I realize however the biggest question I have is will Tara understand? Will she know why I'm not there in Sunnydale? And would she hold all of it against me? It feels like weeks since it all happened but it's just been a few days. God, how long is the rest of my life going to feel since Giles isn't going to kill me now? How am I going to handle it? Will I be able to handle it? I don't think I can.

I begin to wonder if Giles has any weapons in the house; something that I could use on myself. He was never a 'gun' nut so I'm sure that's not an option but a cross bow perhaps. A short sword to fall on maybe. Hell, even a Swiss army knife and a warm bath would work. Okay. I need to regroup and think about what I'm considering here. I mean, do I want to give up? Would Tara want me to give up? If the situation were reversed I know I would want her to go on. I decide she would too and I realize I don't want to spend anymore time alone with my thoughts. It's too dangerous.

I go to the kitchen to see Giles making tea. Always the Englishmen. I find myself grin in spite of my melancholy. He's another reason that I can't give up. He turns around and sees my slight smile and cocks his head in wonder.

"I didn't know it was four o'clock yet," I tease him.

He smiles and motions me to sit down. "Anytime is tea time to a real Englishman," he adds as he pours two cups.

I raise the cup in toast. "When in Rome," I tell him.

"Rome is farther east I'm afraid." His smile is infectious. "It's nice to see you grin Willow. I've been worried about you. We all have."

"I don't know about that. Seems Xander's the only one that can look me in the eye for any length of time. But I understand why. I do I'm treading lightly here Giles. I don't know if something might 'set me off'." I shake my head. "I just I don t know anything right now except that they've put Tara in the ground and I'm too much of a fucking mess to be there for her."

"Staying in Sunnydale wouldn't have helped you or her right now. As harsh as it sounds, she's gone Besides, you were there for her when it truly mattered."

I grin. He's always been good at that. Trying to make us all feel better. But the grin doesn't stay long. "Thanks but that's hard to believe."

"How so?"

"If that were the case she'd still be alive."

A small silence passes between us as we drink our tea until Giles speaks again. "Remember Miss Calendar?"

I remember Miss Calendar. Jenny. Computer teacher. Techno-pagan. One in a line of generational witches much like Tara

Giles was crazy about her and when Angel had gone bad and killed her, Giles went out for revenge, nearly getting himself killed in the process. I remember getting the phone call at Buffy's, the two of us collapsing in each other's arms in a puddle of tears when we learned she was dead.

"Yes I remember."

Giles took a deep breath. "God, I loved that woman. I truly did. Grant it our relationship wasn't as cemented or as long as yours and Tara's but to have her taken away like that to hold her dead body in my arms. I would have traded places with her at that moment There's no pain quite like it, is there?"

"No, there isn't." I feel my eyes tear up and my finger plays with the rim of my cup.

"I won't lie to you Willow. It hurts even today it still lingers But you do move on. You have to find what it is you truly live for and that helps."

"Well there's my dilemma Giles. I lived for Tara. And now that's gone."

"But you didn't always live for Tara, did you? Look, you don't have to have the answers right now or even this week for that matter. Just consider who you are Willow. Think about what inspires you, deep down, and that will pull you through."

"So how did you do it? What got you through?"

He takes my hands and looks deep into my eyes. "You did And Buffy. And Xander I knew you still needed me and that helped me face each day. The work I did was important and the people that helped me with that work were important as well."

"Yeah but you're forgetting one thing Giles."

"What?"

"They don't need me. They're better off without me. All I bring them is pain and destruction."

"Don't you realize the only true pain here is the fact they hurt because you hurt? Physical wounds heal and with time so do the emotional ones. I won't lie to you and say that they don't feel betrayed. They do. But they understand your grief. On some levels they feel as responsible as you do for everything that's happened."

"How so?"

"Buffy feels she could have found Warren sooner and had him arrested before firing a single shot. Xander feels he should have charged Warren as soon as he saw the gun but he froze. They both have a sense of responsibility to this although there's nothing anyone could have done Even Anya in her misguided way wishes she'd convince you somehow to let her deal out the vengeance on Warren. And Dawn Dawn wishes she had contacted me when you reached out for help. She, like Buffy, thought quitting cold turkey would be best for you because lord knows that what all the 12 steppers will tell you. But magic is different. And she has a sense of guilt in this too. So they know more than you realize. And I think they're trying to help you the best they can."

"Unless you're going to kill me, I'm not sure how being here is going to help them."

"Don't talk that way. As I said I'm making arrangements. There's a coven here that's part of the watchers council. I'm in the process of getting you a seat."

Did I just hear him correctly?

"Wait a second. You're going to train me to be a witch? After everything I did?"

"I'm going to train you to be a Wiccan. A true Wiccan and not an evil incarnate you're capable of becoming. That's the first step."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. That power will always be with you Willow. You'll never lose it and it's far worse for you to stop altogether. You must learn to be the master of that power. If you do suddenly stop and denounce the magic I'm afraid you'll, how should I say 'implode' at some point And the results of which might be far more deadly the second time around. You may even kill someone you love. So one of the keys to your recovery isn't avoidance. It's discipline I should have seen it," Giles sighs. "I should have stayed after you brought Buffy back and worked with you then but I underestimated your powers. It was my error and I apologize."

I harrumph. "You're apologizing for my explosion in black magic? That's my fault Giles, not yours."

"Yes you're right. It is your fault. Don't forget that. Ever But as a friend I should have seen it's progression. And knowing you the way I do, I should have "

"Formed an intervention?"

"Of sorts yes."

"Well what's this coven all about?"

"It's a group of witches basically," he shrugs. "They do exercises, training, spell casting, spell reversals many things actually."

"So the watcher's council has like a Hogswart school?"

Giles grins. "Well I-I'm not sure if I'd go with the Harry Potter pop culture reference but y-yes they do. And I think it would be good for you." He pats my hand and rises from the table. "But as I said, we'll worry about that later. First we need to see to your wardrobe."

"I don't have much money Giles. Xander gave me-."

"Don't worry. The council is paying for it."

"The council? How'd ya swing that?"

"I have connections," he grins again. "Besides, the council knows how powerful you are. Helping you now could be a great asset to them later. So nothing is ever free," he teases. "But let's not question it too much. Let's just take advantage of their generosity while they're giving it."

I wake up from a dream. It seemed so real. So vivid. We were at the park. I was standing at our bridge, the place where she sang to me. I watched as she walked toward me with a warm smile on her face. My girl. My Tara.

But suddenly her expression changed. 'Your shirt' she said with a cock of her head. I look down to see it covered in blood. Not just a few splotches. It's soaked red and when I look up I see the crimson spot growing on her chest. I screamed in the dream and I must have screamed aloud too because Giles is now sitting up with me in bed, stroking my back.

"Nightmare?" he asks softly. "They'll be frequent for awhile. We've talked about this."

I nod. "Tara She She got s-shot at the park."

But I know she didn't get shot at the park. She got shot in the bedroom. The place we made love just hours before. She was still gone though. She died in my arms. Limp. Expressionless. Just dead.

I start to cry. It's too much. I can't take it anymore. All of it. Knowing I hurt my friends and might hurt them again, losing Tara who was everything. The guilt of killing Warren and even Rack for that matter It's too much. I'm done. It's over. I just can't take it. The dreams, the pain I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to be haunted. And I'll never be normal again. I know I have to end it. It has to stop. I can't take the chance of hurting someone I love and I can't go on hurting like this anymore. It's just too much. They'll be better off without me. All of them. Even Giles.

I calm down, resigning myself to my fate. I pull away from Giles embrace and wipe my eyes as I steady my breathing. This has to end. All of it. It has to end. This is actually a good thing in the long run.

I rise from the bed and tell Giles I'm going to take a bath. Maybe it will help me go to sleep. He gives me a nod and I walk past the kitchen before heading to the bathroom. I take one of the knives from the wood block and finish my journey.

I turn the water on making it as warm as possible without being scalding. I place a washcloth in my mouth and I bite as hard as I can as I make an incision in my arm vein. I'm gonna do it the right way. This isn't a plea for help. It's a plan to leave. No wrists slashes for me. I know better. It's east to west, not north to south. The blood begins to trickle slowly but that will change. Once the warm water does its job it will flow more freely. I turn the water off and climb into the tub submerging my arm. I'm not there but a few seconds when I hear the banging on the door. My eyes dart open.

"Willow open the door!"

"I'm in the tub Giles," I tell him calmly. "Go back to bed."

Next comes the pounding.

"Open the door this instant!"

"I said go away!"

He's not going to give up but I know I'm not leaving the tub. Maybe the lock will hold him long enough. Just as the thought leaves my head I see a battle-ax slice through the wood. Goddamn it! He's gonna get inside! Why can't I just fucking die in peace?

He makes a hole big enough to fit his hand through and unlocks the door.

"Bloody Hell," he whispers as he races over. He unplugs the tub and tries to pull me out.

But I won't leave without a fight and I kick and punch, trying to stop him but it soon becomes useless. He's stronger than I am and he overpowers me. For a brief moment I consider calling on the magics but I remember the last time that I used the magics against him and I feel all the more worse for even thinking about it. I collapse on tile floor - dripping, bleeding and crying. Giles is soaked with water and covered in my blood too from my flailing arms from moments before. He grabs a towel and ties it as tight as he can around my wound. Quickly he starts to chant and I feel my arm grow incredibly hot before instantly cooling as he finishes. He lets out a long sigh before his disapproving eyes meet mine.

"You are not giving up!" he shouts, making me jump. "You are stronger than this and you will beat it! How dare you?! How dare you do this and leave me to find your body?! We've lost Tara but we're not going to lose you too. Do you understand me?" I can't answer him. I'm crying too hard. When I don't say anything, I feel him shake my body. "I said do you understand me?!"

"I understand," I sob.

He rears back to hit me and I flinch. Instead of releasing the blow he moves to his feet, frustrated. "I would knock some sense into you if I thought it would help," he mutters. He then opens up his medicine cabinet and I watch as he starts to pull items out. Bottles of aspirin, sinus medicine, things I don't recognize anything I might use to try to overdose. I watch as he flushes it down the toilet.

He leaves the room and returns with a dry set of clothes, tossing them in the sink. He pulls down some bandages, gauze and surgical tape. Next, he goes to work mending my arm. I look down after he removes the towel to see the wound is now shut, a result of the magics he called upon, but it still looks raw. The alcohol stings but I don't issue a protest. Next, he wraps the bandage so tight I'm not sure what hurts more the bandage or the cut itself. He stands up and points to the new clothes in the sink.

"Get undressed and put them on," he orders. I look at him for a moment wondering if I'll get any privacy. He answers my unspoken question. "You're not leaving my sight so stop being modest and get dressed."

Quickly, I turn around and switch my pajama bottoms; then my top.

"Back to bed," he orders. I follow him without response.

Once inside he motions me to the bed. "I went to make you some tea when I noticed one of the knives was missing." He starts to tear up and takes a seat on the bed. "If I had found you in the morning do you have any idea how I would feel?" I can't answer him. I can't even look at him. "You were sorry for hurting me in Sunnydale but did you realize that the pain at finding you would have been a million times worse? Do you?"

"I don't want to hurt you," I tell him. I can't look at him. I can only look at the bandage on my arm as my fingers absently play with it.

"Then lose the death wish and focus on living," he orders.

I give a nod. "I will but "

"But what?" he replies sarcastically. "You must understand there are no 'buts' when it comes to this Willow. Either you will or you won't. It's that simple."

"It's so hard," I tell him, still unable to look at him. "You don't know what it's like Giles."

"I know more than you realize. I did some major damage in my youth too with a body count higher than yours I should add. I've delved head first into the black arts. I've lost lovers unexpectedly I realize more than you think. So instead of taking matters stupidly in your own hands, come to me!" He pauses and takes a deep breath, his voice becoming much softer and gentler. "Talk to me Willow and we'll ride it out together."

"Why are you doing this?" I ask. "Why are you subjecting yourself to all this grief?"

"Because I love you."

Finally I look up and meet his eyes. "I love you too Giles."

"Then promise me you won't harm yourself again."

I give him a nod.

"Now, I'm going to take all the weapons out of the house tonight just in case. I don't want to have to restrain you at night while we sleep but I will if I have to."

I make a decision at that point. I wasn't going to bring him any more pain or inconvenience him. It's obvious that what I did moments before was completely stupid and self-centered. "I promise Giles. I won't hurt myself again. And I won't hurt you. You won't have to do that."

"I'm doing it anyway," he says rising to his feet and moving to the door. "I just want your word it won't happen again."

I nod and give a sigh, reaching deep for a confident voice that conveys my determination. "You have my word. I promise. It won't happen again."

"Very well," he nods. "Lay down and get some rest. I'll be back shortly."

I watch him leave the room and I pull the covers up over my body, grateful that he has enough strength for both of us at the moment.

Day 7

I walk into the room with a spell-casting book in my grasp and I can feel all the eyes turn to me. I feel like an intruder. Nervously I scan the room, looking for a seat.

An elderly woman looks up from a book and rises to her feet with a warm smile, coming over to greet me. "You must be Willow Rosenberg," she begins. "Mr. Giles said you would be arriving today."

I nod. "Yes, I'm Willow."

"Class," she announces in a thick British accent, "I'd like you all to meet Ms. Willow Rosenberg. She's Mr. Giles charge visiting from America."

No one says anything, in fact they now all turn away not wanting to look at me. The woman motions me to a desk in the circle and I take my place. "I'm Rosa Hagness, dear. One of the instructors in the coven." she tells me. "You may call me Rosa or Mrs. Hagness, whichever you prefer. We're waiting for a few others but we'll begin shortly."

I thank her and give her another respectful nod before she walks away. I look around the room and see a young woman looking in my direction. Quickly she turns away, looking back at her book. My sigh must have been heavier than I assume because I feel a tug on my sleeve.

"Don't worry about them," the young woman next to me whispers in an English accent. She about my age with shoulder length black hair and crystal blue eyes. "They've heard lots of rumors but I've never been one to believe everything I hear."

"If it's about me it's probably true."

"You blew up an entire town?"

"Well, an entire magic shop," I shrug. "But I've done worse too." Much worse.

Still she offers me her hand. "Althenea Dimmons."

"Willow Rosenberg. But I guess you know that huh?" I say lamely.

Her grin is warm. "How long are you here?"

"I'm not sure," I answer her honestly. "At least the next three months."

"Not enough time for you build a solid relationship Althenea. But then again, that never stopped you before. "

We both turn to the foreign voice that's entered our conversation two desks down.

"That's Mary Prinz," Althenea tells me. "She's a S.I.T. and witch who thinks she knows it all."

"I don't think," she answers smugly. "I know."

"What's a sit?" I ask.

Althenea grins. "Not a sit. An S.I.T Slayer in training."

"Oh they have those?" Willow asked. "I thought the chosen one was just you know chosen."

"With the last true Slayer, I hear that was the case. A lot of watcher red tape led to her being lost in the shuffle somehow. But now the council is taking an interest in all the girls they feel may be slayers someday. So instead of another big surprise, they train them in advance. Once they're called into service they're prepared."

"So tell me Miss Rosenberg," Mary says poking into our conversation again. " Is it true you gotta thing for the birds?"

At first I'm not sure what she means by birds. But then it hits me Women.

"Why? You lookin' for a date?" I counter. My anger at her arrogant attitude is beginning to overshadow my nervousness. "Sorry but you're not my type."

"I bet Althenea is Isn't that right Althenea?" Mary nods to the woman sitting next to me.

Mary also looks to be about our age and she reminds me of someone. Dark hair, dark eyes. I wonder for a moment and then I realize she's just like Faith, all attitude and mouth.

"Just ignore her," Althenea tells me.

"You can't ignore me," Mary smiles. "I'm the chosen one or at least I will be soon."

"I beg to differ," I tell her.

"Why's that?"

"Because I know THE Slayer Not a wannabe but the genuine article."

"Rumor has it you almost killed the Slayer." I flinch and I'm sure she saw it. "But she just gave you a reprieve since you KNOW her right? She'd rather let you kill her than take your life? Realize something quick, witch. When the time comes and I tangle with you because your black magics threaten the world you'll be a dead woman."

"That's enough Miss Rosenberg, may I see you outside?"

I look over to Mrs. Hagness who's standing up from her desk. Oh, God. Now I've done it. Not even 10 minutes and I've messed up again.

We all watch as Mrs. Hagness walks out of the room. Althenea gives me a pat on the arm for support and I walk out, passing Mary who has another smug look on her face. It's so hard not to reach over and try to slap it off. But I begin my breathing exercise that Giles started with me.

Once outside I shut the door and turn to Mrs. Hagness. "I'm sorry. I'm not-."

"Don't worry about it," she tells me. "I'm not upset with you. You have to understand that Mary has a lot on her shoulders but I do plan to speak to her Watcher about her behavior moments ago. I brought you out here to let you know that she gives all the newcomers a difficult go of it. And there are many rumors floating through these halls about you. I won't lie. And I must confess. Having you in my class is a bit unnerving I can feel your darkness that still lies inside. It won't be easy but Mr. Giles has informed me that he feels you can handle it. And I trust Mr. Giles From what I just witnessed. I would say he's right," she grinned. "Keep holding your ground Willow. Don't give into your temptations. Listen to what I have to say. Learn your lessons well. And the rumors won't mean anything, nor anything that might have transpired recently on the Hellmouth. Am I understood?"

"Yes ma'am," I nod. Isn't this great? I unnerve the most powerful witch in the room.

"Very well then," she grins. "Back to class we go."

Day 25

"Hey! You're home early."

I stand at the kitchen stove checking to see if the water was boiling as Giles comes in.

"Meeting didn't take as long as I expected. I'm not sure if that's good or bad." Giles walks over and inhales deeply. "Whatever it is your cooking it smells wonderful."

"Spaghetti," I tell him. "Since most of the food at the market looks like the part of the animal that should be thrown away " I pause which earns me a chuckle from Giles. "This seemed like a safer bet. Actually I was gonna make chicken noodle soup it is the food of my people ya know," I tease. "But after I got the chicken out I realized I have nothing to cut this with no knives in the house. So I went with Spaghetti instead."

He leans against his refrigerator with his arms folded across his chest. "Do you think you can handle the knives being back in the house?"

"I think you're the better one to answer that than I am Giles."

"I think you're ready but do you?"

I pause a moment and I grin. "You know giving up would be a whole lot easier but I'm sticking it out. I gave you my word and I meant it. I've had more nightmares since that first night you know that. But it feels different It's like I had to hit rock bottom before I, you know, could pick myself up again? I mean, I-I can't say I'm making great strides yet but at least I'm standing upright again. And pretty soon I'll be trying some baby steps. A-And that's all good, right?"

Giles smiles. "I'll bring the knives back in tonight."

I give him a grin. "Good Now I'll make able to make soup." I turn back around and put the pasta into the water.

Giles starts to chuckle and I turn around. "What?"

"Nothing," he smiles.

"Oh come on. You can't hold out on me."

"Well y-you cook for me, you clean for me. All the benefits of having a wife Well, minus one," he grins.

"Why Giles, you dirty old man."

"I didn't say which benefit my dear so who has the dirty mind," he laughs before both turn a bright red.

I laugh and throw the dishrag I have on my shoulder at him. "Touch If only you were 20 years younger Giles and female. I might just shack up with you for good." I wink before going back to my cooking. "But moving onto more important topics, what did the council say?"

"Seems your speculations are correct. The hellmouth is getting more what did you call it? Hellmouthy?"

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. That's for sure Did they say anything in particular?"

"No they didn't but they are interested in the visions you've been having. I told them as much as I know. Is there anything further you might have for me to take to them?"

I shake my head. "No I don t. I'm not even sure if they can be called visions - just feelings really. I haven't 'witnessed' anything yet but if I do you'll be the first to know I just wish I had more to give you."

"That's quite alright It will get better in time. As your skills improve, you'll be more focused."

I gave a sigh. "Yeah, that's if I don't get all veiny and turn Mary Prinez into the human torch when she slings one too many insults my way She worries me Giles."

"You think she'll harm you?"

"No, I think I'll harm her," I tell him honestly. "Some days I-I find myself looking at my hands and arms wondering if I'm gonna 'meltdown' and blow the school up. I don't wanna get all 'Carrie' on them Giles and it bothers me. Nobody in class speaks to me. Hell, they don't even look at me. Even the instructors of the coven like Mrs. Hagness seem afraid of me."

"But I thought you made a friend. Althenea was it?"

"Well yeah Althenea but I think She's looking for a girlfriend and I'm definitely not on the market so she's wasting her time. It's just " Giles waits for me to continue without interrupting my thoughts. "They look at me like I'm evil the students, even the instructors. And every look is different. For some I see fear, in others I see contempt In a few like Mary I see I don't know jealousy almost like she wishes she had that power. It just gets tough sometimes."

"Well, as you said, you knew it wouldn't be easy."

"Yeah I know and I'm sticking it out. It's just that Gaia above I feel like the same freak back in high school all over again Giles. You know what I was like back then total spaz. The only friend I had was Xander and then later Buffy too but I feel like the outsider and I thought I was passed that, you know?"

"Can I be perfectly honest with you?" Giles began. I just nod. "When I knew you in high school I understood exactly why you felt like an outcast. The reason wasn't because you were a freak Willow. The reason was because you were exceptional. You were smart with a dry wit that others rarely saw or possessed themselves. The same is true today so I'm not surprised you feel the same again You're more powerful than they are. And they all know it.

So yes, it's very much like high school again. And truth be known you shouldn't change that for anyone. I know you've had your doubts but you are a great asset to everyone who loves you and to the residents of Sunnydale who will never even know your name. They get up, they eat breakfast, they schlep to their jobs as you might say-."

I laugh because hearing a slang word out of such an English mouth is just .funny. I quickly hold up my finger. "Okay for the record, yes I'm Jewish but I have never used the word schlep in my lifetime," I add with a grin.

"Point taken," he says with a slight chuckle. "In any case, these Sunnydale residents are oblivious but they have you to thank because you've protected the human way of life time and time again We have the hardest job in the world sometimes. We love the Slayer and we do what we do because it's the good fight; it's the right thing for us. So you're not a freak Willow. As I said, you're exceptional. And personally, I wouldn't have it any other way."

"At least you try to see me," I say softly.

He cocks his head. "I do. You think the others don't?"

"I think my parents don't," I answer firmly. "I always tried to be the good girl. Be seen but not heard. You know, only child, a real go-getter, hoping to hear a 'That's our gal' from them once in awhile Truth is, they never noticed me. They still don't. And I'm surprised they tore themselves away from their vacation to come to the funeral," I chuckle miserably. "Hell even at the graveside, y-you led me away, not them - putting an arm around me, telling me I wasn't alone. They didn't do that. Don't you think as my parents they should be the ones to do that? And that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the fact I have you Giles. I do. More than I think you realize. It's just they're my parents I'm trying to make sense of everything in my life. And why after all of these years do I still care? Why is it so important that I think they love me? Or maybe the real question is why don't they love? Why am I nothing more than a shadow to them? And why did the fact that they ignored me make me do things like magic to make me feel better about myself to make me feel special?" I shake it off and chuckle nervously. "I'm sorry Giles. Didn't mean to get all Freudian on you just then."

"Willow," Giles begins as he walks over. He runs a hand over the back of my head before resting it on my shoulder with a firm grasp. "I'm convinced that the best families aren't the ones that we're born into. They're the ones we make. But still it's hard when you can't be everything you think your parents want. I understand." Giles grins and give me a pat before walking to the refrigerator. "Believe me I understand," he adds as he pulls out a pitcher of cold water.

"What were your folks like?"

He pours a glass and takes a drink first.

"Well, my mother stayed at home. She had two sons myself and a stillbirth baby. My father was a Watcher. Of course he wanted me to take over the family business so to speak. And like all good sons, I didn't," he grins mischievously. "...I liked my psychology classes and playing guitar. I liked getting rowdy with my friends after school. Buggaring my instructors during school was my second favorite hobby I liked magic I liked my vinyl collection I liked being everything my parents hated But in spite of all my rebellion I still wanted them to accept me."

"An irresponsible hellraiser? I just can't see it Giles," I grin.

"I didn't get the nickname Ripper for nothing," he counters.

"So how did you become a watcher?"

"The black arts actually. And Ethan Raine."

"Ethan Raine?"

Giles nods. "See, when I started to dabble in black magic, and that's putting it mildly, I realized just how dangerous the world is and how fragile There was a bloke who had his eye on young lady I'd been seeing. I decide to work a little magic to eliminate the competition."

"What happened?"

Giles pauses and licks his lips. "I did a spell. The results of which made his car lose control. He and five of his friends died. Ethan and I went out to celebrate when we heard the news by getting drunk and doing another spell on a couple girls we fancied. A simple lust spell. One night stand sort of thing I didn't even do the spell on the girl I killed those boys for. It was someone I'd met only once before."

I can't believe my ears. "Jeeze Giles."

"I'd like to say I cleaned up my act after that but I didn't More spells. More girls. More deaths But the time did come when I had to take a serious look at where my life was going. And I knew I had to make a choice of which side I was going to be on So I did It wasn't until I saw the darkness that filled the world that filled myself that I could make a real choice about my future."

"And you turned it around?"

Giles took a sip as he nods.

"I choose the good fight. Ethan he didn't He liked the chaos of it all. But I knew I had to do what I thought was right Just like you're doing now The power is alluring, seductive but in the end if all you have is power you find life isn't very fulfilling."

"Maybe we're a lot more alike than I ever thought," I reply.

"I believe we are Well, I'm going to settle in before dinner," he says making his way from the kitchen.

"Hey Giles?"

He stops and turns around with a grin.

"Thanks for bringing back the knives it really does means a lot to me." He can tell I'm not just talking about the cutlery.

"No thanks needed Willow. You've earned my trust."

I grin and go back to my cooking. But a thought occurs to me that chases the smile away. Giles trusts me again. But will the gang ever reach that point?

Day 30

"Okay class. Today we're going to try a simple exercise," Mrs. Hagness begins. We're all sitting in a large circle. "As we've been instructing everything is connected to the earth and you will use these skills today. You will levitate this rose and slowly pick the petals off. Miss Rosenberg and Miss Dimmons, please come to the center and sit across from each other. Miss Rosenberg you will perform the spell and Miss Dimmons will be your anchor."

The word 'anchor' pierces through me. I had an anchor but she's dead and I'm not sure I'm ready for a new one yet.

"No offense to Althenea but do you mind if I do this one alone. I don't want an anchor."

"It can be dangerous," she tells me.

"What's the worse that could happen?"

"You could spontaneously combust," she answers.

Hmmm ."Yeah that could be bad but maybe you could just keep a cup of water handy so if I start to smoke you can put me out?"

The comment actually makes a few people around us chuckle and Mrs. Hagness tries not to grin.

"It's your decision Willow," she replies seriously.

I nod understandingly. "No anchor. I wanna try."

"Very well then."

I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly before looking around the circle.

"I've tried this spell before with with someone and the rose got a little out of control. If it looks like it's moving toward you t-then chances are it is so duck."

With that I close my eyes and concentrate on my breath. When I feel the rose lift I open my eyes to see it. One by one I 'will' the petals off until there's nothing more than a stem. Gently I rest it back to the ground and let out a long breath. I did it. I controlled it. I had power over it and I feel myself grin.

"Well done," Mrs. Hagness compliments. "Exceptional control. Who wants to try next?"

I make my way to leave the circle when she picks up the barren stem and hands it to me. "Here. You've earned it," she grins.

I give a small grin of my own and take it. Secretly, I can't wait to show Giles.

Day 40

"Willow you have to get up. We're going to be late."

"Just five more minutes? Please?" I mumble into the pillow.

"I told you last night you should have gone to bed instead of staying up to read that spell book."

Oh yeah, that spell book! That was cool. It was about the root system and how everything, even humans, is connected to the earth. It even had meditations to use for healing flesh, which if I ever get back in good with the scoobies could certainly help out. I only managed to get halfway through it last night but I'll be able to read more today. The thought wakes me up and I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

Giles steps inside the bedroom and yanks the covers off my body.

"Hey!"

"Get up now," he tells me.

"I'm up. I'm up."

"Where the bloody hell are my shoes?"

"How would I know?" I tell him as I finally leave the bed and make my way to the bathroom. "Do I have time for a shower?"

"No," he tells me. "It's a half hour to our meeting and it takes 15 minutes to get there."

"Well can I at least brush my teeth and my hair?" I ask.

"If you go now and quit arguing? Yes," he says looking under the bed for his shoes.

"Which shoes are you looking for?" I call out as I walk through the house.

"My brown ones," he yells back.

"Check the hall closet," I shout back as I close the bathroom door. As I put the toothpaste on my brush I hear him yell a 'Thank you' and I have to grin. How the guy managed to survive before I got here is a mystery. I race along to finish up and come out in my robe. He's in the living room and gives me that 'Giles look' before he starts pointing at his watch.

"You're still not dressed?"

"Going now," I tell him as I walk back to the bedroom.

After I finish putting on my clothes I wonder if I should wait just a few extra minutes just for spite and to see if he starts making that clicking noise with his tongue when he's upset. Besides it's only a watchers council meeting. I'm not even a Slayer so why the hell should I be there? I figure I've given Giles enough grief and passive resistance isn't going to help either one of us. I put on my shoes and grab my coat as I exit.

"Hurry up Giles. We're gonna be late," I tell him with a smirk as I walk quickly out the door.

Quentin Travers. I'd forgot how much I dislike this man until I see him walking over to Giles and I with a smile. I could fake a smile like Giles is at this moment but why bother.

"You're early," he says as he walks over. I make sure to flash Giles a 'Willow look' in response. "Excellent. The council is assembled so we'll start right away."

We walking inside Mrs. Hagness' class room and I'm surprised to find her there. Uh oh! What'd I do now? This is certainly not good and I find myself standing closer to Giles. He must have picked up on it because he starts to lean down to me.

"It's alright," he says. "Don't worry."

"The council would like to ask you some questions Miss Rosenberg. Please have a seat," Travers tells me, pointing to a chair. Cautiously, I sit down. "It's our understanding from Mrs. Hagness that you've done extremely well in your studies here so far."

"Yeah, a regular four point 'o' er. What do you want Travers?" Wish this guy would cut to the chase.

He grins and looks to Giles. "She's got spirit. I'll give her that," he says.

Spirit. I don't have spirit. Quite the opposite. I have nothing left to lose. It's been over a month and Buffy still won't speak to me. No one at home does. Well that's not true. I've spoken to Xander once with a conversation no deeper than 'How's the weather?'. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Would I be ready to speak to them now if they called? I don't think I am. I don't think I'll ever be.

I watch as Travers turns back to me. "You're here today Miss Rosenberg because we'd like to advance your classes. Move you up and onto bigger things. In fact we'd like to make you part of the coven itself and not just a student."

"Why's that?"

"You've surpassed all your studies at this time. And as it turns out, you'll be needed at the Hellmouth sooner than we expected."

"I'm not ready to go back there. I'm not sure if I'll ever go back there," I tell him honestly.

"I understand you've had some difficult times recently and-."

"Difficult times? Let me tell you about my 'difficult times'. My lover died in my arms. I nearly killed my best friends with the Black Arts. Oh yeah and let's not forget the whole trying to end the world thing too I'm not welcomed at the Hellmouth and I'm in no rush to get back there anytime soon."

"It wouldn't be soon. You still have a few weeks of training left and we feel-."

I give a sarcastic snort. "A few weeks of training? Most of your coven has studied years and I don't see you in a mad rush to send them any where near Sunnydale. Why do I get the cushy job?"

"You know the Slayer. How she thinks. How she works. You are also far more powerful than any current students. Perhaps even more powerful than some of our instructors who are part of the coven you're joining."

"Well at this point I'm not even on speaking terms with your Slayer. And it wasn't magics I was using. It was black arts and I'm trying to get away from that. I'm trying to learn to balance and now you want to throw me back in for your purposes. I don't think so Travers," I say as I rise. "Find yourself another lackey because it ain't me."

I'm almost to the door when I hear Giles call out my name making me stop. I turn to face him.

"Please hear them out?" It's not a command but a request. Why can I never say no to this man? I know why. He loves me unconditionally And I feel the same for him, even after the Ripper tales he's been sharing with me.

"You've got two minutes," I tell Travers. He starts to open his mouth and I add, "For Giles. Not for you or you or you or you," I say pointing to a few other council members scattered about the room. "So speak quick."

"Something is coming to Sunnydale," Travers begins. "You've felt it. The coven's elders have felt it too. No other student has. You are the one we need. The one the Slayer needs-."

"Buffy," I stop him. "Her name is Buffy. Your Slayer has a name. Try using it once in awhile. Maybe it will help you remember she's human. Grant it a-a super human but still a human Continue."

He licks his lips nervously and I have to admit I like the fact I'm making him squirm. "Buffy," he starts again, this time stressing her name, "is about to come up against something dangerous to the Slayer line. Something grander than any of us could imagine. She'll need everything at her disposal to face it."

"Oh right. Like when she turned 18 and you took her powers away while fighting a badass super Vamp? Oh wait! Or how about when she went up against brain sucking Glory but you wanted her to play 20 questions first before you'd tell her a damn thing? Forgive me for even THINKING IT, but I doubt highly that Buffy's best interests are in your heart Travers."

My sarcasm isn't going over well with the room. The council looks pissed with the exception of Giles who has a smirk on his face. He knows I m telling the truth. The truth that he can't mention for fear of being cut out of the loop again. His eyes silently cheer me on.

"When Buffy falls another will take her place. We know this. We understand this. Perhaps that's something that you should learn too. Our primary focus is fighting the forces of darkness, not protecting an active Slayer. That's a watchers job - to give her what she needs to see her tasks are carried out. Mr. Giles has taught the Slay-Buffy everything she needs to know. But in order to fight this darkness she'll need your powers."

"So your solution to the latest rising problem is to have one of the darkest of the dark witches at Buffy's side? A witch who doubts her course in life and whether she can control that darkness within herself? And you want her sitting right on the Hellmouth? To borrow a Giles phrase - that makes you 'profoundly stupid'."

"As it stands right now no, we don't want you there. We want you here, learning control, discovering a new outlet for your energy, to get you in touch with the true ways of the Wicca Religion. With your knowledge and aptitude we have no doubt that a few weeks is all you'll require before going back Consider this Miss Rosenberg. How would you feel if the fate of Buffy and that of your friends rested in your hands but your fear stopped you from returning? What if they died like your lover because you weren't there to prevent it?"

I grin. "Sorry Travers but emotional blackmail won't work on me. And emotions aren't something I have much of at the moment aside of anger and despair. I'm not what you need right now."

"Right now you're not. But you will be. All the council is asking is that you consider it."

"Are we done now?" I ask as my hands move definitely to my hips.

"For now, yes," Travers answered.

"Good," I retort. "Giles? I'll be in the car."

With that, I leave the classroom without looking back.

Day 47

"Willow!" I turn to see Althenea come toward me, picking up her pace. "How are you? I haven't seen much of you since you've been in private sessions with the coven."

We start to walk side by side as I head to yet another tutorial. "Same ole. Same ole," I tell her. I see an inquisitive look. "American term. Means the same - not better but then again not worse. How about you? Find a new anchor yet?" I grin.

"Yeah Mary," she sighs.

"Condolences," I grin. And she follows suit.

"We're heading to the Techno Palace tonight. Want to come?"

"Techno Palace? A dance club?"

She nods.

"Well I dance like a Jewish, white girl," I grin. "I'm not sure if you'd want me stepping on your toes."

"I'm not much of a dancer myself to be honest. But it would be nice to just hang out for a while. We could catch up and you could tell me about your work at the coven."

I know I have to put the breaks on right now. "Look Althenea. I'm flattered really. But I'm not sure if I'm the kinda girl you want to be courting. To be totally honest, I'm a wreck and you deserve to spend your time on someone who's not."

"Is this about what Mary said?" She doesn't wait for an answer. "Willow, I'm not looking for anything more than a friend. I don't have many friends here Okay I have no friends here," she grins sadly. "They all think I'm going to make a pass at them or something and that's not the case. The only reason they asked me to go is because I was standing there and they felt they had to invite me too. It just would be nice to talk to someone who's well like me."

But I'm not like you, I think to myself. "Yes we both do the witchcraft thingy and we both have an attraction to the 'fairer sex' but You're a good person Althenea. I can't say that I'm the same."

"I don't think that's true. You've done some harsh things yes but you're a good person too Willow. I can see it in your aura."

"Aura or not, I started using magics to help the people around me but at some point I used it to help myself. I put a spell on my girlfriend to make her forget a fight we had and nearly got us killed. I used magic for everything that I saw fit not to mention using it to hurt the people I love. Somewhere along the way, I lost what it means to be a true Wiccan and I'm paying the price. I don't want to drag you into that."

"Who said anything about 'dragging'? Look. A couple of drinks and a couple of dances. That's all I'm asking," she tells me. "Maybe you should stop focusing on all the wrong deeds you did and start moving toward forgiving yourself I'm not going to push alright? The invitation is there. We'll be meeting at 7 tonight." I watch as she pulls out a piece of paper and writes something down before handing it to me. "That's the address. I hope to see you there but if not maybe I'll catch you around again sometime."

I take the piece of paper. There's something about her she reminds me of myself many years ago. It probably took everything she had to make the offer to me and against my better judgment I hear my voice saying, "Okay, I'll be there."

"Really? You mean it?"

"Yeah," I nod. "Maybe you're right. Maybe a night out of Giles place would do me good."

"Great! I'll see you there then 7pm."

"7 pm," I nod.

She smiles and waves goodbye as she turns around and walks back the other way. I look at the paper again and wonder if I just lost what's left of my mind I recently found.

"I'm going out tonight Giles. If that's okay, I mean?"

"Certainly. You're not a prisoner here," he tells me before taking a bit of his dinner.

I made sheppard's pie but without the pig guts or cows feet or whatever it is the yokels put in this stuff. I had to go into the city to actually get ground chuck. Yeah I'm a carnivore and damn proud of it I must say. Sure, it costs me a pretty penny but hey I needed some real meat. I think I'm starting to have iron withdrawals. I dreamt of a Big Mac from Sunnydale last night because I think even the hamburgers over here are made with something other than old Bessie. But then again there's that big debate that the food back home is kangaroo meat but that's just a rumor. I know when I learned the DoubleMeat Palace served veggies I felt sooo cheated after all those years of thinking I was building my cholesterol levels. At least their fries were always greasy.

"Althenea asked me to meet at a club. Catch up on what's going on," I tell him.

"Oh really," he smirks. And I know what he's thinking.

"It's not a date," I insist. He continues to grin. "It's just a 'hey, how ya doin' get together thingy."

He chews but he doesn't lose his grin. Alright. Now he's starting to be annoying.

"What about you?" I ask turning the tables.

"What about me?" he replies.

"It's Saturday night. You shouldn't be sitting all alone. Don't you got a honey tucked away at some flat in London someplace?"

"No. No 'honey's' to speak of," he answers.

"Oh come on Giles. You're moderately young and quite handsome. I'm sure you could get a date."

"Thank you I think," he replies with a bewildered look. "A-Actually, I was seeing someone but it's a bit on again off again."

"Right now it's off I'm assuming?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to her recently."

"Well pick up the damn phone," I tell him. "Give her a call. You really need a life Giles and I refuse to be the reason you stay home."

"To be honest, I don't mind being home I've wanted to look after you."

"Well I don t think I need a nurse-maid. Hey! I know what! Why don't you call her tonight? Sure it's short notice and all but maybe she'd like to get together. You two could hook up. Meanwhile, I can go to the club and explain to Althenea repeatedly why any attraction to me is bad news."

"I don't think an attraction to you is bad news Willow. Too soon perhaps but not bad news."

"Says you But let's look at my history. Xander who didn't know I even existed romantically. Oz werewolf. Enough said. Then Xander again but that ended with his girlfriend getting spiked on a collapsed staircase. Then Oz again who cheated on me and then nearly ate me and not in good way. Then Tara " I trail off. I'm tempted to add 'she's dead because of me' but instead I stick some mashed potatoes in my mouth.

"It wasn't your fault," he says softly.

I set down my fork and shake my head. "How do you do that? How do you know exactly what I'm thinking?"

"I read it in your eyes," he replies softly.

"That's scary Giles."

"And you're being evasive," he retorts, finishing off the last of his dinner. I try not to grin. I am being evasive and I know he won't let me get away.

"She's not dead because of you Willow. It was just her time. Unfortunately you had to bear witness to it."

"I just keep thinking of all kinds of things, you know? Like maybe maybe if she'd waited just a few more days to come back to me. Maybe if I told her we should take things slow again and sent her back to the dorm. Maybe if I went over to the window when she mentioned that Xander and Buffy were making up I could have taken the shot. Maybe it wouldn't have killed me. Maybe I would have saw it and pushed her out of the way Lots of maybe's huh?"

"Yes," he agrees, "but not one of them can hold you accountable for her death You will move on at some point Willow. And you will find love again."

"Find love?" I snort. "I'm having a hell of a time finding me Giles let alone someone else."

"True," he nods. "But there will come a time when you realize your place and you'll accept affection again. It might take time and you might not feel worthy at first but don't let that stop you from trying. In fact I'd like you to make another promise."

I sigh. "Another promise? I think I'm promised out Giles."

He grins. "Promise me that once you feel more grounded; once you realize your place in life, you'll allow yourself the chance to move on and love someone else."

"You're not hooking me up with Althenea are you?"

"Lord no," he chuckles. "I think it's too soon for you and overseas relationships rarely work. Believe me I know first hand I mean later somewhere down the road. You're too young to give up on loving someone and consider if the situation were reversed. Would you want Tara to spend the rest of her life lonely, mourning you?"

"Tara with another girl? If I were dead?"

He just nods.

"I'd want her to be celibate the rest of her life. Maybe join a convent." The tiniest of grins comes to my face when I think how ridiculous it sounds out loud.

He tries not to chuckle. "You don't really mean that, do you?"

Darn tootin' I think with a grin. That's my first reaction anyway but the longer I sit there the more I realize that no, I wouldn't. Feeling this way, this ache I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially Tara. And if the right girl did come along to offer her support, maybe someone to pick her up and dust her off yeah, I would want her to move on.

"Well I wouldn't want her to forget about me," I said. In a quieter voice I add, "And I don't want to forget about her."

"She wouldn't. Not any more than you would her."

I think about it some more and start to nod. "Then yeah Yeah I guess I would. She'd deserve to be happy and I guess if I wasn't the one around to make her happy then Yeah I would want her to find somebody Just as long as she wasn't prettier than me," I add with a grin. "I'm shallow alright?"

Giles doesn't hold back his laugh this time. He sighs and pats my hand. "It's good to see you coming around."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask him.

"You As you might say you're getting 'Willowy' again. Little by little."

"Yeah well... It's odd, Giles. I know she's dead but somewhere in my mind I have this feeling I'm going to go home and she'll be there. Do you think that's odd?"

"I think it's totally logical. Just remember that the reality of her not being there will be painful. But that's okay. Baby steps after all."

"Oh yeah, I'm just full of baby steps," I tell him. Somehow my progress doesn't seem to be as speedy as I'd like.

"That's fine. No one's asking you to run a marathon."

"Nobody except the Watchers Council," I add sarcastically.

"They can sod off," Giles replies before taking a drink.

"Giles! Such language!" I say in mock shame. "How dare you speak so poorly of them? Especially after they bought me clothes and everything." He grins at my sarcasm.

"Told you everything had a price," he grinned.

"Well it's good to know my existence is worth a couple pairs of jeans and a few sweaters. I will admit however the leather bomber jacket is pretty cool but again I'm not sure if it's worth my life."

"That's very optimistic of you. When you first got here your life wasn't worth living. I think you are making great strides Willow. Even if you don't see it."

"Maybe I am," I consider. "And I've been thinking a lot about what you've said. I've been going to the advanced classes. Listening to that little voice in my head like you said. Thinking about where I'm at, where I've been, where I'm going. I'm still clueless on most of it," I giggle before turning serious. "Nah I'm getting there Actually I was thinking "

"About what?" he says as he gets up to rise off his empty plate.

"About what you said. About what my purpose was before Tara came along."

"Any ideas?"

"Yeah. Buffy."

"Buffy?"

I grin. "When I told Buffy I decided on Sunnydale U she could have done cartwheels. But then she realized what I would be 'throwing away'. She told me there were safer schools. Safer prisons actually," I chuckle as I remember the two of us lying on a blanket, talking about the future and our plans after graduation. The world was wide open to us back then. Funny how things changed in just a few short years.

"I told her that I wanted to help her fight the evil in the world. I wanted to be a Wiccan And I think I still do Giles. I don't think that's changed. Well the part about Buffy has changed. I don't think she wants me around and I don't blame her really."

"Maybe you should call her? Speak with her?"

"No," I answer quickly. "I just I wouldn't know what to say. 'Sorry I kicked your ass and tried to kill you' just doesn't seem to work, ya know?"

"You have to speak to her at some point."

Why did Giles have to be so damn logical? It was pain in the ass sometimes.

"Yeah I know," I answer with a sigh. "Maybe after I get back to Sunnydale. If I am going to talk to her I'd like it to be face to face. She deserves that. Plus I have a better chance of getting my stuff out of her house before she gives me the boot."

"I don't think she'll do that."

"But you don't know that she won't, do you?"

Giles purses his lips. "Honestly I don't. She's asked about you when I've called over but It's hard to say what she's really thinking. You've hurt her greatly but you have the chance at making amends."

"Well all I know is I'm not ready to see them. Any of them actually."

"Well keep up those baby steps. As you've said you will get there with time. There's no rush."

"Again I mention the Council."

Giles grins. "This latest evil has them concerned. And they don't think the Slayer alone can handle it."

"Do I have to remind you too that the 'Slayer' has a name?"

"No," Giles grins. "I'm quite aware of it. Even lost my job because I had the 'love of a father' for her according the council. Thank god they didn't think it was another kind of love."

I chuckle and pick up my plate, taking it to the sink. "Don't worry about these," I tell him pointing at the dishes. "It won't be a long night and I'll do them when I get back."

"No arguments here," he answers.

"So are you gonna do it?"

"Do what?"

"Call your lady friend?"

He looks undecided.

"Oh come on! Do it! Do it!"

"You're really pushing this aren't you?"

"Yeah I am. You need a night out Giles. I'll be fine So go. Have fun."

I look at my watch. It's 6 pm so I know I better start getting ready so I can catch the bus in time. He still looks unsure when I leave but after I start to change I can hear him on the phone and I grin. Guess he's not the only one who can give advice.

The bass is loud. The place is packed. And I'm starting to wonder if this was such a good idea. I wander through the crowd when I feel a tug on my arm.

"You made it!"

Althenea is beaming.

"Where's your friends?" I ask as I look around.

"What?" she says cocking an ear. It's so damn loud in here I know she won't be able to hear me. I nod back toward the bar and pull her along. It's a little quieter back here but not much.

"What did you say?" she asks again.

Our voices are still loud but at least we can be heard.

"I asked where your friends were."

"They're not my friends remember? But to answer your question, they left about 15 minutes ago. Said this place was dead even though we're elbow to elbow in here. I wanted to stay to see if you'd make it."

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "The transfer over here was running late."

"That's okay. Like I said, I really don't enjoy being with them anyway. I just thought it would be nice to get out."

The sound is already starting to get to me. "Well since it's just us, mind if we find a coffee shop or something a bit more quieter? I hate having to yell in your ear."

She nods and gives me a grin. She motions her head toward the exit and I follow her out.

The evening air is cool compared to the packed bar.

"Ahh," I say finally resting my eardrums as we walk along the street. "Much better."

"Not a party girl huh?"

"Not really. There's a club where I live. Called the Bronze. It's pretty cool and I like the music but it's not nearly as packed or as loud."

"There's a pub I know about. Some place none of the other girls will go."

"A dive bar?"

"A gay pub," she grins. "Wanna go. We can talk openly and actually talk instead of scream."

Gay for two years and never set foot in a gay bar. What the hell. "Okay, lead the way."

It's only a few blocks away. We walk inside and I'm relieved that she was right. Much quieter without the relentless bass ringing in my ears. A couple leave a pool table and Althenea asked if it's okay that we take over. She starts to rack the balls as a waitress comes over. She orders a gin and tonic and asks me what I'd like.

"Rum and Coke," I answer.

"You break," Althenea tells me.

I take off my jacket and rest it on a chair next to a nearby table as I pick out my stick from the wall. I'm actually pretty good at pool. It's got more to do with my physics knowledge than any actual skill.

"You're not gonna beat me too bad are you?" Althenea asked.

"I'll try to go easy on you," I tell her as I line up my shot.

I send the cue down the table at lightening speed, knocking in both a solid and strip.

"Call it," she says.

I check out the table. "Solids seem to be my best bet."

"Solids? You've got a stripe right by the pocket," she points.

"Yeah but I've got nowhere to go after I make the shot but if I do this," I say as I bounce the cue off the bumper sending a solid into the side pocket, "it lines me up for three more shots," I add as I point them out.

"Bloody Hell," she sighs. "You are good."

I give a small chuckle. "Nah just a major geek who likes physics, mathematics and a bunch of other boring stuff."

"That's not boring," Althenea replies. "Without people that understand that 'boring stuff' we'd all still be living in caves trying to create fire."

'It's good to know I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.'

Xander's words from our beach trip come back to me and I have to smile. It was a great day until I screwed it up with magic gone array, yet again. Sure I got the fire started for Xander but I didn't get the balance right and brought the rainstorm too. Up until that time it was a good day anyway.

Buffy and Riley were happy and in love. Tara was there although she refused to wear her two-piece bathing suit she looked yummy in. I remember telling her maybe it was better that she didn't wear it. It might be a bit awkward for my friends if I took her right there on the beach. She promised she'd make for not wearing it when we were back at her dorm room She didn't disappoint.

For a split second I think that I can't wait to get home to see her. Instantly, I can feel my grin fall. She's not at home. She'll never come home again. No more dorms. No more cuddles. No more two-piece bathing suits. No more anything.

The waitress brings our drinks and Althenea pays her before I can. I try to give Althenea the money but she won't hear of it, saying it's my turn to make another shot. I stuff it back in my pocket with the insistence that the next round was on me.

By my forth round my shooting was crappy. My words were slurred. And I didn't seem to have a care in the world. Except when I thought about Tara. Althenea must have noticed it as we sat at the table.

"Tara again?" she asks.

I grin sadly. "It shows huh?"

"I wish I was good with words. I wish I could think of something to say to make you feel better."

I brush her off and reach for my glass, finishing it off. "You know maybe it's the booze talking but I wonder if I'm even gay. I wonder if I'll ever kiss another girl and if I do How would it be?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Will I freak? Will I care enough about someone that I'd want to kiss them? Do you think T-Tara will be watching me, thinking 'That bitch doesn't even give a shit that I'm gone'? " My words sound slurred even in my own ears. "I made a promise to Giles tonight that someday I'd move on but. I can't let her be dead and if someone did come along I mean how do I handle that? And how do you I know that I won't get another girl killed? Killed like I killed Tara?"

"You didn't kill Tara," Althenea tells me. "Someone else shot her."

"But she died because she knew me. She died because she was in my bedroom You know there's a part of me that thinks, every now and then, it's a dream. All of this. At some point I'm gonna wake up and she's gonna be right there beside me. She's gonna hold me. She's gonna shush me and tell me to relax. And when that doesn't work she'll make love to me and prove that she's still there. Flesh and blood. That's crazy huh? I'm crazy, aren't I?"

"No," Althenea answers. "Sounds like you love her."

"She's my everything She WAS my everything. Now she's worm food And all the powers I had were useless. I couldn't save her. I tried but mystical fuckin' death my ass I should have been able to bring her back!"

I slam my glass back down on the table. I look to see if it shattered but it didn't. And if it did why should I care? Why do I always have to be the good fuckin' girl? Not breaking things. Making sure everything is okay. Trying to help everyone but myself. Why am I such a fuckin' mess yet try to make the world a tidy place to live in? And why am I still sitting in this pub?

I spent my life being a shadow. Ignored by my parents. Pining for Xander, my best bud, who loved every women in the world but me. Falling for a guy who's part animal and takes the first 'other' woman he's attracted to to bed. And then taking up with Tara who left me when things got too rough for her, only to kill her in the end. Why would I even want to put myself through that again? Giles promise be damned. This love shit is pointless.

I wish I could be like Faith. She didn't give a shit what anyone thought. She'd fuck 'em and leave 'em. No sorrows. No regrets. But not me oh no, not me I saddle myself with guilt from everyone around me. I stand tall And then I crumble But I keep getting back up, don't I? And for what? For who? Certainly not myself. It's always for everyone else. I'm Giles hacker. Buffy's big gun. Xander's confessionary. Dawn's surrogate 'father' and Anya's antagonist because let's face it - the woman's gotta have conflict in her life somewhere. She lives for it, craves it. It's her calling in life. When she couldn't dish out vengeance as a demon I was the perfect outlet.

"I need another drink," I tell Althenea.

"I think you've had enough," she says gently.

How could I have enough? I'm still conscious.

Reluctantly I agree. After all one more would be bad and I'm not a naughty girl, right? Oh sure, I go ballistic once in awhile, destroy everything around me but I always 'do the right thing' in the end. Old reliable. Reliability sucks. I literally slide off the bar stool and grab my coat.

"Let me take you home," Althenea tells me. "I've got a car back by the club."

"I'll take the bus again," I tell her.

"Right and forget where the bloody hell you're supposed to go? I think not. Mr. Giles and the coven would have my head."

"Be a shame," I tell her. "It is a pretty head."

Am I flirting with her? I can't tell. From the look on her face neither can she which is good. Lord, I know I'm drunk now.

I follow her outside and she helps me into her car. It's little car. Looks like a circus clown car and I chuckle to myself. Wonder if Bozo and Crusty are someplace in back? I turn around but there is no back. I give her directions and she says she thinks she can find it. We drive along in silence and when we finally arrive at Giles street I point out the house.

"There it is," I tell her.

"Are you sure?" she asks. "I don't want to leave you in the middle of nowhere."

"I know all the houses in this country look the same," I tease her. "But this is it. That's Giles car over there," I say pointing again. "Anyway, thanks for the ride," I tell her.

I'm not sure how it happened but she leans over and she kisses me softly on the lips. She pulls back slowly with a smile. "I'm not good with words like I said. But maybe that helped. Now you can say you've kissed another girl."

"Not quite what I meant," I tell her.

"I know. But it's a start." Her grin is warm and I can't help but smile too. " See you around the coven?" she adds cheerfully.

"Oh yeah," I sigh. "Like it or not I'll be there."

I open the door and give a wave before shutting the door and staggering up the cobblestone path to Giles door. She's still watching even after I unlock the door with the key Giles gave me. Probably wants to be sure I'm at the right place. She's a sweet kid. Okay she's only two years younger than me but I've got lifetimes on her at this point. I wave again as I walk inside shutting and locking the door behind me.

"Ah, you're home," Giles says walking from the kitchen into his living area. He's got some soft music on, a fire going and a glass of wine in his hand. What a nice little seductive lair he's got here. Maybe I returned too soon?

"Should I come back?" I ask. "Lady friend still here?"

At first he looks confused before starting to chatter. "Oh that. No We had dinner but I'm alone now. Thought I'd just do some reading tonight," he says as he walks and sits down on the sofa.

He looks good. Damn good. Dockers and a blue crewneck sweater. Tweed Giles was always too stuffy but dressed down Giles always looked hot, especially when he played guitar. Goddess above! I am drunk. I'm having issues all over again. Oh, shit! Fuck the issues. Fuck being the good girl.

He's reading as I approach. I take my jacket off and let it fall to the floor. The sound makes him look up and I'm standing above him. Carefully I take the book from his hand. I know as I reach out it has to be one of the two books I see before my blurry eyes. I toss it next to him on the sofa and pull the wine glass from his hand. I take a drink and rest it on the small end table as I straddle his hips. Gently, I pull the glasses from his face and I hear him nervously clear his throat.

"Wi-Willow? Wha-What are you doing?"

What am I doing? That's a good question...I'm sick of being the good girl that's what I'm doing. I'm sick of always doing the right thing.

"Whatever you want me to do," I tell him before I lean down, letting my lips snare his. I feel his hands shoot to my arms in protest yet that doesn't stop him from returning the kiss and silently I'm pleased. I pull back slightly, tilting my head to the other side, to reclaim his lips. I'm not quick enough because there's enough of a lapse that he pushes back and away from me.

"Are you drunk?" he asks me.

"Just a little," I confess. Okay it wasn't a confession. It was a lie. I'm a lot drunk.

He gives me that goddamn disapproving glare. Like he's so righteous. God that fucking annoys the shit out of me. I reach down and stroke the zipper of his Dockers. I grin when I feel his erection. I start to stroke him again but he grabs my hand.

"Don't," he tells me.

"Don't? Obviously you're having fun," I chuckle.

His sigh is heavy and I lean over again and begin nipping at his earlobe. "Dear Lord," he says gently. I giggle softly.

"Come on Giles. Let the Ripper come out and play," I whisper in his ear.

He moans and I feel his hands grip onto my denim clad thighs. His breaths grow more rapid with each passing second.

"Look, y-you have to stop this," he tells me.

"Don't wanna stop," I answer as my hands work their way back to his waistband. I start to undo the button. "All the advantages of being married minus one," I whisper. "You know what a perfectionist I am. I gotta have a perfect score."

He groans and I feel him rise up - his lips capturing my neck, his fingers burying themselves in my hair. Before I know it he shoves the book to the floor and my back is lying against the sofa. I should feel something right? Some fireworks? Some wetness? Nope. Nothing. Dry as a bone. I know the peck from Althenea did more for me than what I'm feeling at this moment. And to be honest it didn't do much at all. Yes you are really gay Will. No doubt about it.

I look up to see that he's leaning over me but the look in his eyes isn't raw passion that I was expecting. It's compassion.

"No," he says softly. "I won't do it."

I watch him move away quickly, darting off the sofa.

I suddenly realized he was only trying to divert my attention long enough to get away. Sure his body reacted to my touch but Let's face it He might be Giles but he's still a man. And Giles is a smart man alright. Smarter than me still. He gave me what I wanted as a diversion.

I suddenly realize why I continue to be the good girl. Being the bad girl is just too painfully embarrassing and it's just not me. I haul myself into a sitting position, resting on my elbows as I watch him pace the small room.

"I'm sorry Giles," I begin.

"Well you're still grieving Willow. You're evaluating everything in your life. And perhaps this is just one of the waters that you wanted to test. You knew you'd be safe with me and God I need another drink."

I watch Giles dart to the kitchen. He comes back in chugging on the wine bottle, not opting for a glass. I start to laugh. I can't help it.

"This is not funny," he tells me.

"Are you really sure you wanna down that bottle?" I ask. "If we're both drunk then who knows what might happen."

He was the voice of reason after all but if that voice is gone Quickly he stops, nearly choking in the process.

"You're right," he nods putting the bottle down. "You're absolutely right." He continues to pace again.

"Giles I'm sorry," I try to begin again.

"No, I'm sorry Willow. I should have never No. You're drunk and I You No. It's entirely my fault."

I grin at his babbling. "You're fault? So you've always had lusty feelings for me?" I ask, already know what he'll say.

"No! Good gracious no!" he replies.

"Not many men have. Good thing I realized I m still gay huh?" I tell him as I sit up, feeling a bit defeated.

He stops his pacing and comes to kneel in front of me.

"That's not what I meant Willow. You're a very beautiful, young woman. Emphasis on the word young And yes I reacted but any love I'll ever feel is strictly platonic Well maybe 'strictly' is too strong a word. After all I did consider it if only for a split second but I would never-."

I put a finger over his lips to stop him. "I get it Giles so stop apologizing. I came on to you remember?"

"Well, yes I remember and truth be told I'd like to forget but-."

"But nothing," I tell him. "Let's just go to bed and call it a night. I promise I'll keep my hands to myself. And this will be our little secret."

I watch him nod. "You go on ahead. I'm going to stay up a bit longer."

"Are we okay Giles?"

"We're fine Willow. Just sleep it off."

Suddenly I feel very tired and going to sleep does sound like the best option. "Okay. Goodnight Giles."

"Goodnight Willow."

Day 48

I wake up and my head feels like it's going to roll off my body. Okay maybe it's not really that bad now that I'm upright but I know it will be quite sometime before I drink like that again. I look over but Giles isn't around. With as much strength as I can muster I pull myself to my feet. Slowly I go in search of Giles. When I walk into the living room I find him asleep on the sofa.

He must have heard me enter because he stirs and begins to open his eyes, reaching for his glasses on the table.

"You never came to bed?" I ask.

"I figured it was safer," Giles replies.

"I told you I won't do anything Giles. Not that I blame you for your lack of trust. I'm not exactly winning awards in that department lately."

"I do trust you Willow. Truth be known I didn't trust myself. I didn't think I would do anything inappropriate but since I'd been drinking too...Let's just say, I didn't want to take the chance I might be wrong."

"Really?" I grin. Wow. I actually did turn Giles on.

"Please don't look so smug. Uncle figure or not I'm still human."

"I didn't think I had that much sex appeal," I tell him honestly.

"There's appeal. But there's also guilt, anguish and as Buffy would say a whole 'eww' factor to consider."

"I gotta admit it would be pretty creepy and uncomfortable well, afterward. Of course - the touching, the groping, the naughty school girl seducing the teacher slash mentor has a naughty appeal," I look over to see Giles cleaning his glasses and I realize I've rambled a bit too long. "But it would be bad," I add quickly, with loads of reassurance. " Totally with the bad. Heavy with the bad. Not good at all I think I'll be quiet now."

Giles blushes and starts to stammer. "Yes well, at least we're in agreement I think I might regret asking but what brought all that on last night."

My brain struggles to put together the last evening's events. Oh yeah!

"I got sick of being a good girl. As if that's been a real problem lately, huh? I just felt I don t know - trapped Always wanting to be perfect. Always having to do the right thing. I just wanted to throw caution to the wind, be outrageous. Of course the whole being drunk didn't hurt with losing the inhibitions and acting bold."

"You're very courageous Willow," he says, sitting up and patting the sofa.

"For coming on to you?"

"No," he chuckles but stops and considers it. "Well yes actually, in a way but that's not what I meant I mean you're courageous in many aspects on a regular basis. And you don't need to be drunk to be bold."

I take a seat next to him, moving slowly as I go. My head is still swimming a little bit. "If that's true then why do I feel so scared?"

"Because you are. Your world has been turned upside down. Losing Tara, losing your moral compass It's taken its toll and it's not as if you'll wake up some morning and everything will suddenly be right with the world again. You just need to take life in moments but I believe in you. I think you can see it through." He slowly starts to grin and then chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"You say you're not courageous but I remember the speech you gave Angel and myself when you thought we were working Buffy too hard...'She's 16 going on forty and you're gonna live forever. You don't have time for a cup of coffee?" he adds in a poor imitation of myself before starting to smile.

I grin too and start to nod. "Yeah well, you two really pissed me off that day."

"But don't you see? You stood up to a Watcher and a 200-year-old vampire. And after Buffy died," he says growing serious. "After Buffy died, you were the glue that kept everyone together. You were the one that convinced Spike to continue helping us in our fight. You and Tara tried to make the best home possible for Dawn who had lost so much that year Don't think for a moment that you're not courageous Willow."

I consider his words before he continues.

"You're one of the bravest women I've ever met. Perhaps even braver than the Slayer because you did all of these things without Slayer speed or strength or insight. As I've said, you're exceptional and it's high time you started to see that for yourself. You don't need drugs. You don't need alcohol. And you don't need magic to be bold. You've been doing it for years on your own. You still do it today. Standing up to Mr. Travers not letting him have his way, coming to terms that you need help. That makes you very brave."

I feel myself start to grin. "Thanks Giles."

"Keep practicing Willow," he adds. "Keep learning that magic is used as an extension to help the world and not just yourself. And, with time, you will get there dear."

"I will Giles," I tell him resolved in doing the right thing. "I'm scared but I will. And about last night "

"I'm just grateful that you came to me."

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise, although I'm pretty sure of what he really means.

"No," he says quickly in explanation. "If it were someone else they might have taken advantage of the situation is all."

I shoot him a suspicious look but I can't hold it for long and start to grin. "I know what you meant," I told him before clearing my throat. "I was just having you on. A bit of fun you might say," I add in very fake, very poor British accent.

He grins and shakes his head.

"Say sod off," I tell him in my normal voice. "I wanna learn to say that one the proper way."

"No," he grins.

"Oh come on," I prod. "It's funny when you say it."

"Do you know what it means?"

I start to laugh, "Yeah which is why it's so funny when you say it."

He gives me a sigh and mutters, "Sod off .Happy now?"

"Delighted."

It's good to see Giles finally relax around me again. I think we'll survive our little seduction fiasco.

Day 55

I'm sitting outside Giles cottage, practicing some meditations but failing miserable. I keep thinking about chicken. And Tara.

Odd combo to the outside observer I'm sure. But as I recall my lesson from earlier that week about finding inner peace and making peace for those around you, Tara comes to my mind blocking out the lesson I learned. I think of her because she had this skill. She didn't have my power but in truth she was always far more advanced in many areas as a Wiccan.

Buffy had been called away to see Angel in L.A and when she returned home she brought a bucket of chicken for us. But we'd just finished eating. Everyone was stuffed so when Giles confessed that we really weren't hungry a look of disappointment washed over Buffy. Of course she bragged it was okay and just meant there was more for her.

All of us at the table sense Buffy's mood but it was Tara who spoke up first. Not more than three minutes before she complained of not being able to eat another bite. But seeing Buffy's state of defeat, Tara held out the plate asking for a drumstick. Soon we all joined in and Buffy grinned warmly. Tara made Buffy smile. She made lots of people smile. Tara. And chicken.

I run my fingers throw my hair and for the first time since arriving I notice how long it's gotten. I haven't worn make up in nearly a month. Not that anyone would notice. Well, Tara would notice but she's not around. She noticed everything around her and she always looked for the good in everything. If she saw me right now I'm sure she'd tell me I looked beautiful although I feel like nothing special. She's tell me I was special and that the look was 'natural' and add that I never looked more beautiful than when I was just 'myself'. She would but she can't. I lean against a tree and I remember yet another time at Buffy's dining room table.

Joyce, Giles and Buffy had just cleared the table from dinner on Christmas Eve. Somehow Xander, Anya and Dawn got into a discussion about Santa Claus. Dawn, being a teenager didn't believe in St. Nick but Anya went on to explain that there was in fact a Santa Clause. The flying reindeer and coming down the chimney were very real. Then she added the part that he doesn't bring present though. He just disembowels children. We all sat there a bit stunned but Tara was there for the save yet again.

In that shy voice of hers I adore, she said 'the reindeer part was cute' and I could feel my heart melt. She always looks for the best in everything; in everyone. I suddenly realize I'm doing it again thinking and talking about her, even if it is only in my head, in the present tense. But she's not present. She gone.

I start to cry and bury my face in my hands. I feel like screaming out to any God or Goddess that will listen and ask 'Why her?'. She was such a good, honest person with a dear heart. Why couldn't it have been someone else that lost their life that day? A mugger, a rapist, a corporate raider. Why couldn't someone who did nothing but destroy, hurt or mame be the one to die that day? Why couldn't it be me? Why her? Why now?

I understood what Giles said about finding Jenny Calendar in his bed. And how he wished it could've been him. I understand it more now than I did when I first arrived. If I could trade my life for hers I would but I realize there is no bargaining here. What's done is done. I can't change it. Tara's gone. I'll never stop loving her. Ever. She was far too powerful a force for me to ever forget. And I don't want to forget. I want to remember but I want a day to come when I can think of her and smile without crying like this. She's not here but I can feel her.

I can feel her shushing me, whispering endearments, calling me Baby. I began to have a feeling of contentment start to wash over me. And like an epiphany - a moment of clarity - I realize just what it is that I live for. I really didn't live for Tara. I lived for what Tara stood for. That's why we came together to begin with. That's what bound us together even after our brief separation. It was about helping others, making sacrifices to see that the people I loved - that we loved - were healthy and happy.

Buffy saw it. Dawn saw it. That's why Tara was still a part of their lives even after she left mine. And Tara was right. I strayed from what brought us together. I quit helping people I loved and began to work my will as I saw fit - to make things the way I wanted, not necessarily to make them better for everyone as a whole. Sure, I told myself I was still helping but I was only lying to myself. I'm getting it now. All of it.

I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. Yeah, Tara is gone but I wouldn't let her be forgotten. I'd keep her memory alive by going back to Sunnydale and finish what I originally started. I gave up Oxford, Harvard, Princeton and Yale to fight monsters. I gave up 'golden opportunities' to battle evil. I really did get the better end of the deal, truth be told. I had Tara, no matter how brief. And even though she wasn't beside me I'd keep her there for all time.

I figured it out Giles. I know why I'm still here.

Of course that doesn't mean that Buffy will want my help now. It doesn't mean that I'll fight by the Slayers side ever again. It also doesn't mean I'm not scared out of my wits thinking what a loss of control will do to the world. Okay yeah. Big doubts for sure but It's still there. It's still in me that light that Tara gave me as well as that purpose before I ever saw her face. The darkness, the black evil has made it's home inside me too but I've gotta try. If not for everyone else then at least for Tara. She wanted to help heal the world and as long as I'm still alive I'm going to do everything in my power to see her goals become my realities. Not just for her but for me too. And for the world.

Day 60

"Miss Rosenberg. Good to see you again."

Yet again, Quentin Travers. He reminds of a snake as he smiles and shakes my hand. Creepy, crawly, slithering.

"So how goes your work with the coven? Mrs. Hagness tells me you're close to a break through with that Pleiadian spirit conjuring spell you've been working on."

I look around the room and I'm surprised to find only he's alone this time with Giles and I. There's a large table in the council's chambers and I take a seat across from him, looking at all the books around us. Too bad we didn't have this library in Sunnydale.

"Well she's being a bit premature," I tell him finally focusing my eyes on him. "We've got a long way to go I'm sure."

"Well finding a Pleiadian in this dimension would help our fight without a doubt."

"Since Pleiadians are a highly intelligent race of humans, I doubt they'd be fool enough to join our cause."

I can't help but be sarcastic with him but my slight grin softens the blow.

"Our cause?" he asks, raising his eyebrows optimistically. "So you've decided to return to Sunnydale?"

"At some point I have to go back. If nothing more than to try to make amends with the people I love," I tell him. "Just not anytime soon."

A silence falls between us until he clears his throat. "I think the Slay-Buffy can be very forgiving."

I really don't want to get into a personal debate about my life with this man or a debate about my life with the Slay-Buffy as he now calls her. I grin with the knowledge that he remembered our last conversation and my utter distain for his casual attitude toward my best friend and the saver of his ass many times over. How many big bads did she's stop over the years. How many pats on the back did he get from the council for a job well done although he had absolutely nothing to do with it? To think about it just irritates me so I try to push it out of my head and move on.

"Care to explain why I'm sitting here again?" I ask him. "And why the private meeting?"

"I wanted to have more of a personal get-together. Less formal," he tells me.

I grin. He realized that bullying didn't work the first time so now he's going to try the friendship route. Goddess Athena above, this man is so fake sometimes. Does he realize I see right through him?

He wants me to say I'll do it; that I'll help the council. It was true that I was finally putting my life, or the tattered remains of it, together again. And the spells and knowledge I was gaining from the coven was mind blowing. Many times I sat in and listened, thinking how much Tara would have loved to be a part of something like this. These women were true Wiccans and not at all what I had expected. They were dedicated, diligent in their tasks and morally just. I admired all of them and I had to wonder how I managed to get a seat. Then I realized as I looked across the table Travers.

He was the reason and the only reason I was now in the coven. Sure I had skills and I breezed through the standard spells and lectures. I was always good at picking things up quickly. But after seeing these women of the coven, understanding their power, their way of life I just didn't fit in. Like I told Giles high school all over again. I wish I could be like them but I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough. Would bad things happen again? Of course they would. That was a given. But when they did would I get all implodey like Giles mentioned? Or would I be able to ride it out? Would I be able to control that darkness; that evil? I didn't want to think about it anymore with Travers sitting across from me.

"Well here I am, informal and all," I tell him. "What did you want to discuss?"

Travers looks to Giles first. I'm surprised when Giles speaks.

"Two slayers in training have been killed one in Turkey; one in Germany. We're researching to see if it was perhaps random attacks - a coincidence as it were. We do have fears however it might mean something deeper. We've been unable to contact their Watchers."

"So what does that mean to me? I'm not being flippant Giles. I'm asking honestly. I'm not sure what I could do to help."

Travers clears his throat before he speaks, "We think these events might be tied to the visions you've had as well as visions of the coven. But at this time we have nothing to support that theory. As a precaution we'd like to send you back to Sunnydale to keep tabs on the Hellmouth and it's activities."

"I told you I don t know if Buffy will even speak to me."

"Regardless of Buffy, we'd like you in Sunnydale observing and reporting any unusual activity."

Okay. That made me laugh.

"Everything in Sunnydale is unusual." I chuckle. "I'd have a better chance spotting something consider 'normal'."

Travers lets the comment go and continues, "Did you realize that Sunnydale is building a new high school?"

"Yeah Xander mentioned it this spring but he didn't have all the details then."

"Right on the Hellmouth."

"Over the old school?"

He nods. "They've been doing work on it the last two months with 5 different construction crews one of which your friend Mr. Harris is a supervisor. They've been working in three shifts to see it's completed before the fall semester starts. It's my understanding that Dawn Summers is a freshman this year. Is that correct?"

My sigh is deep. "I see your point Mr. Travers. I do But I'm not sure how I can help them right now. You don't seem to realize what it's like to live with this power. A-and I live in fear of feeling too much of anything. I'm unsure of what reaction it might bring on as a result. It-It's still in me Travers. That darkness. T-That magic A-and I don't want to hurt them anymore than I already have I don't think you understand that," I confess hanging my head.

"Miss Rosenberg," he begins getting my attention.

His voice is soft and careful. For once the man doesn't sound like a drill sergeant and his tone pulls my eyes up to meet his.

"I don't have the kind of power that you have. But I do have the responsibilities of power. I'm responsible for countless lives, my own included," he says with a grin. "It's very weighing. And yes I come off very stern at times but I need to be in order to maintain some assembly of control over this organization. My father oversaw the council and his father before him Now from what Mr. Giles tells me you're making great strides here."

"It doesn't feel like it's enough," I tell him honestly.

"Of course it doesn't. You've had terrible losses. But you're quickly approaching a time when all the lessons will be finished and the rest of your growth depends on putting those lessons into practice and making amends, or in the worse case, finding closure with the relationships you've damaged."

"And you think Sunnydale is the next step?"

"I do," he says decidedly.

I don't reply but I do consider his words when I hear Giles speak.

"We're not talking about putting you on a plane to the States next week Willow But we would like to do it soon. Especially if our assumptions regarding these potential slayers deaths mean something far more dastardly."

"Do you think I'm ready Giles? Because you've been telling me to listen to that little voice in my head a-and it hasn't always been right. I mean butcher knife a-and a tub of hot water. Far from my brightest move we both agree. But that's what the voice told me to do."

"You've come a long way since then Willow."

I sigh again. I just can't be sure. At this point, my voice is torn. Yes I want to be there for Xander and Dawn who's sitting right on the Hellmouth but

"If something evil is going down I don't I don't want to loose it again Giles."

"I have faith in you Willow And as I said I'm not putting you on a plane this week. Go to the coven. Learn what you'll need but realize that your family our family needs you."

I give a small grin. Yet again, I can't tell him no.

"Alright Giles, I'll do it. But I just want some warning, okay?"

"Absolutely," he nods with a supportive grin. "You have my word. No surprise plane tickets or teleportations. I promise."

In spite of my fear and reluctance, his grin calms me.

Day 61

Giles is in his living room talking to a 'Watcher type' guy when I enter from my day's lesson.

"Hi," I say tentatively.

"Willow this is Mr. Jacobs, a fellow Watcher," Giles tells me.

I give a polite nod in his direction.

"Nice to meet you Miss Rosenberg," he nods to be before turning back to Giles. "So do you really think it's best to sit tight?"

"Well it doesn't seem like there's any place one can run at the moment."

"Run? Who's running? A-and what are they running from?" I ask.

"We've learned that the Watcher's of the murdered potentials were also killed," Giles explains. "Seems it wasn't just a random act. But we're double-checking to be sure that it isn't truly a coincidence. Past history, perhaps personal enemies that would do these Watchers and their S.I.T harm."

"Are you in danger Giles?" I ask.

"It looks like we're all in danger," Jacobs speaks up, "but hopefully the council gets to the bottom of this soon."

"I'm sure they will. It will just take time."

"If someone is killing potentials time might be something in short supply. Perhaps I'm lucky my S.I.T is older than most. She's less likely to be called."

"Well she's still younger than the current Slayer so just be on your guard."

Jacobs grins. "You know when I first heard the news that you were the Watcher Giles, the one overseeing the slayer, I was a bit envious. But I realized something soon after If I wanted to be the Slayer's Watcher that would mean Buffy would have been my charge. Not to say that Buffy isn't a fine young woman," he adds quickly. "She's done an outstanding job and your work with her shows but I'd keep my potential. She's a bit hard to manage at times but she's bright, resourceful, dedicated. I wouldn't trade her for anything. Even a Slayer," he adds with a grin. "I know it's not very professional of me and if the council ever knew-."

"It makes perfect sense," Giles says grinning, cutting him off. "I do understand. You work with them. You train them. You teach them everything you can. You laugh. You cry. You argue some days until you're blue in the face," he says with a grin. "But I understand It's worth it. And if you share so much with them it becomes personal regardless of how the council thinks it should be."

"Well she's considered a trip back to the States. Her cousin is about to marry. But I think it's best if she stay here just to be sure. At least until we learn more."

"Hopefully she'll understand."

"No she won't," Jacobs says with a grin. "She'll fight. She'll argue. Then she'll realize that going back for the wedding means facing the rest of the family. At which time she'll then thank me for giving her an excuse not to attend." He laughs as he moves to his feet.

Giles rises to his feet too and they walk toward the door. Jacobs nods to me politely. "Good day to you Miss Rosenberg."

I nod back with a slight grin.

"Take care," Giles tells him. "And give Kennedy my regards."

"Will do," Jacobs nods again.

Once we're alone, I turn to Giles.

"If someone is out to kill the slayers in training is someone trying to eliminate the line do you think?"

"Someone or something," he tells me. "Unfortunately, it appears so."

"Are they going to go after Buffy? After you?"

"Well if my assumptions are correct - and they are just assumptions at this time I would say not immediately, no. They want to rid the world of as many potentials as possible. They know who the active slayer is so in the interest of time it would be to their advantage to see that the line is broken first."

"Kill all the potentials and then kill the only remaining Slayer - Buffy."

"And Faith," Giles points out. "She is still a Slayer too after all. But that would be my theory without knowing more."

"Damn Giles," I say shaking my head. "So all these girls are like knocking on deaths door without having the perk of being a Slayer, like super speed, strength, so on and so forth?"

"Well all potentials have dormant traits. That's what makes them potentials. Uncovering those traits is a Watchers job like Mr. Jacobs. When it came to Buffy I had to train her to realize all her full potentials. She has many more skills than what an S.I.T would have as you can imagine."

"You did have a really tough job," I tell him.

He starts to laugh. "Some days, you have no idea."

"I have to admit Giles I respect you. I mean I always respected you," I add quickly. "I just never realized how deep your job really went. I thought you just you know watched did a little sparing looked through a bunch of books. A-and not that any of that isn't important. It's just " Why do I feel like I keep putting my foot in my mouth?

"I understand," Giles tells me. "My duties were just far more reaching than you imagined is all."

"Exactly!" I tell him, pleased he could say it much better than me. "Plus, you know, act now and you get to oversee taking care of the Slayers dysfunctional friends too. You're life seems full of burdens."

"You're not a burden Willow. None of Buffy's friends are. Like Jacobs said, the council would like Watchers to remain detached but These people that surround my Slayer are just as important to me as the Slayer Did I ever tell you what happened when Faith had kidnapped you and wanted to make that trade to help the Mayor fulfill the Ritual of Gavrock?"

"You mean the spider box?" I shake my head. "I don't think so."

Giles goes back to his sofa, patting it for me to sit down which I do.

"Buffy wanted to make the trade immediately. Wesley didn't. He wanted to look into other options and in his eyes your life wasn't worth thousands we could save by destroying the box. As far as I was concerned We would make the trade and look into other possibilities. As Wesley pressed his point Oz shattered the urn we needed for the destroying ritual. Whether we had the box became a moot point then. At which time I made the call to the mayor But the point to this story is that I believed in you Willow. I knew that this was one of many fights we faced. You wouldn't have turned your back on Buffy or anyone else. We certainly couldn't do the same to you. And I was more pleased than surprised when you handed me the pages regarding the mayor's ascension from his sacred book. You found a way to stop the mayor But truth be known it wasn't just your abilities to help the Slayer that made us realize we only had one option only one thing we could do. It was our love for you. We were, and still are, a family in the truest sense of the word."

"Yeah well now I'm the black sheep Giles."

"Even black sheep can find redemption Willow And Jacobs is right. It's not all black and white when you love people."

"So do you really think we're still a family Giles? I mean after everything I've done?"

"Yes I do Willow. It will take time I know you're getting tired of hearing it but look at where you were when you first got here. Look at where you are now."

"I'm still scared Giles."

"I understand your fear. When I decided to turn my life around in my youth I was frightened too. But I overcame it. You will overcome it too Willow. Give it time."

"I will Giles. I promise."

Day 75

I'm sitting in the coven's secret, not so secret, chambers reading a spell book. It's a private room reserved only for the coven but everyone knows where it is. I'm still trying, after all these years, to get that harnessing of the sunlight under control so it will help Buffy when she goes nest hunting. One ball of energy and bam! Instant vamp dust! My latest attempt looks like a firefly, which is far from what I hoped. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around to see Althenea standing there with a broad grin.

"Hey!" I grin softly. "Not that I'm complaining but what brings you by."

She looks like she's ready to burst as she takes a seat beside me. "They're moving me up," she whispers excitedly. "I'm becoming an official part of the coven."

"Wow! That's great news!" I tell her. I realize that for just a moment I felt sheer joy. Something I hadn't felt in ages. It had little to do with me but still I figure it counts for something. I didn't spontaneously combust or something horrible like that. So that's good.

I continue to grin as she explains how Mrs. Hagness wanted to move her up and have her do work with the coven on matters of 'research and such'. It's not a huge role she admits but it is a step in the right direction for her.

"My mum is so thrilled," she tells me with a grin. "She's trained for years herself but she was never a part of something like this. I think she's living vicariously through her daughter but that's fine by me."

"Well congratulations," I nod supportively.

"Seems now we'll be able to speak for more than just a few minutes a week. I mean I hope you don't mind. I do enjoy talking to you but I hate to be a pest."

"You're not a pest," I assure her. "But to be honest, I'm not sure how much longer I'll be here. The council is making arrangements for my return to Sunnydale. Probably in the next few weeks."

She cocks her head and looks at me. "You don't feel you're ready, do you?"

I give a brief grin. "I don't know Althenea. I mean yes a part of me is ready. I know that the people I love might need my help and I want to be there for them. But then there's this other part "

"What part?"

"The part that says the people I love don't love me anymore and maybe I'm just wasting my time. A-and maybe just being around will do nothing but bring up bad memories. The part that asks what happens if they do accept me b-but something bad happens to them too a-and I get all veiny and on go on another vengeance rampage. Or-Or how about the part that says-."

She smiles and puts a finger over my lips just for a moment to stop my babbling.

"You've got lots of parts." She grins at me and I feel a lopsided grin come to my face for just a moment. "But you won't know anything until you get there I've heard talk. You are one powerful Wiccan."

"I doubt that," I tell her. "My sunlight spell I've been doing for 4 years now is still dimmer than a nightlight."

"And if you perfect that spell will you regard yourself as a powerful Wiccan then?" she asks knowingly before continuing. "I think you try too hard to do everything right. Once you get this spell under control I'm sure you'll find something else you haven't mastered to make yourself feel inadequate. And it's a bloody shame if you ask me."

"Well I didn't ask you," I say trying to be indignant but my grin works it's way to the surface. She knows I would like to hear her opinion even if I might not want to believe it. "I don't know Maybe you're right that I try too hard." She gives me a look that urges me to add, "Okay I know that I try too hard," I finally admit.

She grins before turning serious.

"You're filled with black magic Willow but the strives you've made I have to say. It's phenomenal You went from being a black magic witch to being a dedicated Wiccan. You made the jump and there's not many people that can say the same."

"Maybe I know some people in this covert US military operation thingy and it's been pointed out to me that most people who tangle with the dark voodoo usually don't make it out alive. I'm lucky I guess."

"Not luck. I don t believe in luck. I think each one of us is responsible for who we are and what we do. You chose to turn things around Willow. And you have. So regardless of any argument you're going to try to throw at me I'll still say you're very brave and you're very skilled. Now with that said tell me more about this rumor I heard of you and the Pleiadian spirit conjuring you're trying. After all, if you leave someone has to continue it," she grins.

She's a sweet girl and I can't help but grin back.

Day 82

I got busted. Of course I didn't really go out of my way to hide. I went to 'my spot' as Giles had nicknamed it. And instead of being at the coven like I should have been I'm playing with flowers from different areas of the world, testing my knowledge in root systems.

I just didn't feel like going to class today. Besides, what's the point? They're shipping me off in the next week or so. I think the boycott of my studies today is just some undermining of authority on my part. I'm not really sure why. It's been a day of demons too. Not the scary looking ones like those that live in Sunnydale but my own. I keep finding my fear grip me all day long.

I told Giles I feel like I'm relapsing again but he assures me it's to be expected. My confidence wasn't about to arrive and stay in place according to him. I would slip now and then. And the prospect of going back was sure to bring up doubts.

But now it's dinnertime and Giles decided I needed a 'night out on the town'. In Westbury that consists of a little diner on the corner at the end of Giles street.

"Here you are," the waitress says putting one plate in front of me and one in front of Giles. I look at the plate and then at Giles and then at the plate.

"So this is it huh?" I ask him.

"Bangers and Mash," he tells me with a grin.

Somehow my off-handed comment of not knowing what Bangers and Mash was prompted Giles to go into field trip mode. So here I sit. I poke at it with my fork. One side is mashed potatoes.

"This must be the mashed part," I tell him. He grins without comment. I move my fork around in the gravy and hit something solid before stabbing it. I pull it up for inspection.

"That would be the banger," he tells me.

"It looks like sausage," I tell him.

"It is," he nods.

"That's it? Bangers and Mash are just sausage and mashed potatoes? Why not call it sausage and mashed potatoes?"

He shrugs. "Why are undergarments called knickers and cigarettes fags? Bangers and Mash are just another great mystery in English slang I suppose."

"It's pork?" I ask as I turn my fork around inspecting it.

"I can be," he says. "Or in the States, beef. This establishment makes theirs with lamb which is quite good actually."

"Real lamb right?"

"I'm assuming," he chuckles. "Try it."

I shrug and pop it in my mouth, starting to chew. Not quite what I'm used to that's for sure but not entirely bad like most of the food over here.

"Well?" Giles asked.

"Pretty good. I wish I'd looked into this sooner. This is much more easier to stomach than well eating stomachs."

"I never served you any dishes with stomachs," Giles replies. "Just pigs feet," he mutters.

I sit my fork down and shake my head. "What? You're kidding right? When did I eat pigs feet?"

Giles laughs before diving his fork in his mash. "You know that meat you like to eat on crackers?"

"You said it was pickled pork."

"Well it is." He just smiles.

"I ate pigs feet? The feet of pigs?"

"Quite a few actually."

Okay. I got he willies now. And I just stare at the plate before me wondering if I really am eating lamb. Maybe returning to Sunnydale is a good thing after all.

"Eat up," Giles tells me with a smirk. "Before it gets cold."

Tentatively, I take his advice.

Day 83

"No class again?"

I turn to see Giles walking toward me.

"I couldn't go."

"Why not?"

"I don't think I can handle much more knowledge right now. Besides I've been working on the whole earth is connected theory. And see?" I say showing him my arm I sliced the first week of my arrival. "No more scar. I grew skin Giles. This is really gonna help out the gang 'cause you know how Xander's always getting cut or knocked out or something. This way I can fix him or anyone well that's if they take me back."

"More doubts again?"

I nod.

"I wonder if we're sending you back too late instead of too early."

"Meaning?" I ask.

"Waiting is the hardest part sometimes. You know you're going back but you're not sure how they'll react. It's understandable."

I let the conversation die off. We could go over it again but he can't promise they'll still want me. He made a call to Buffy and told her when and where I'd be arriving. I heard him ask if she'd like to speak to me but since he didn't hand over the phone I guess I knew the answer. Now I really don't want to see her. Or Dawn. Or Xander.

Yeah I miss them but maybe it's still too soon. Maybe I could postpone it a bit longer until I am ready. But I know that isn't an option. I leave in less than three days. My ticket is already bought and paid for. Giles asked the coven about teleporting me but they feel since I've been affected by black magic that might be not so good. As Mrs. Hagness pointed out I could end up in any dimension as a result. And spending a lifetime in 'melting world' or even 'world without shrimp' has little appeal to me. This world is tough, real tough, but it's the only world I've known and there are things worth staying here for. Even if they never speak to me again.

"I've been practicing with roots more today," I tell Giles, "and I actually managed to get a palm tree here a few hours ago. Wanna see? I promise to send it right back."

He grins. "It's not going to destroy it, will it?"

"Not at all," I reply. "Here. Sit down."

I take a seat and I pat the ground next to me and Giles follows suit. I put my hands on the ground trying to find the right location. That's when it starts. Something black, dark. Unlike anything I felt before in my studies. It was getting larger and larger and grumbling. I feel my body start to shake in response and I can vaguely hear Giles calling my name. His voice sounds more frantic but I can't pull away.

My throat is tight and I can't breathe. The black begins to change and alter to a brilliant white but the closer it gets the more I see that it's teeth fangs actually. It's a mouth with sharp, pointy, scary teeth and it's coming right for me. For us.

It's dark but it feels like it's burning my skin. I want to tell Giles to run but I can't even suck in a breath. Suddenly I feel Giles hands on my shoulders as he pulls me closer. As my hands leave the earth and I feel my back pressed tight against his chest I try my best to remember how to breathe. The vision starts to recoil away with the sound of screaming and Giles voice breaks in over my growing hysteria.

"Just breathe!" Giles tells me.

" I ca- I can't!"

"Just breathe," he insists, trying to call me down.

It works but I'm still having a difficult time catching my breath. I wonder if he saw or felt the same thing. I've had visions and flashes of oddities concerning the Hellmouth for weeks but nothing like this.

"What happened?" I ask.

"What do you remember?"

I sit up, using my hands to help support my weight. I feel drained.

"We were talking ... and ... I felt... "

Suddenly my hands feel like they're on fire and I snap them back, looking around me.

"I felt the earth. It's all connected. It is, but ... it's not all good and ... pure and rootsy. There's ... deep ... deep black, there's ... I saw, I saw the earth, Giles. I saw its teeth."

"The Hellmouth."

He's right and I know what it wants. "It's gonna open It's gonna swallow us all."

Day 86

I watch the rain when I hear Giles come from behind me.

"The taxi s here."

"I know."

"And in keeping with quaint old British tradition, you would now be expected to get into it."

"I don t know if I can. Giles, I m not done here."

"That s your fear talking."

"Yes, and my fear is being an obnoxious blabbermouth. You re the one that keeps telling me to trust my instincts."

"True."

"So? Shouldn t we be listening? I don t want to go back home just so I can screw up again. Why don t I stay? Not forever. Just long enough to, I don t know make my fear shut up a little, maybe?"

I hear the taxi honk but I ignore it. Giles, however, gives him a wave to hold on a moment.

"It s possible but try to be very specific. What exactly are you afraid of?"

"Well, for starters, the Hellmouth s getting all rumbly again. And now I know it s got teeth. And are those literal teeth? Cause I don t know if I can handle it. And what if I can handle it? Does that mean I have to be a bigger, badder badass than the source of all badness? And what if I give up all this control stuff and I go all veiny and homicidal again? And what if ."

"They won t take you back?"

Okay so he hit the nail on the head like always.

"Uh-huh," I nod.

"Willow, we could spend another two years here training and practicing and learning to hone your powers and still there d be no way of knowing for sure that the friends you left behind you are still your friends."

"Well, sure. I mean, if you put it that way. Duh."

"I d love to offer you some guarantee that you ll be welcomed back to Sunnydale with open arms but I can t. You may not be wanted. But you will be needed."

"Is that all ya got?"

"For the moment, yes."

I sigh. Might as well get it over with. I know he's right. It's not about my skills. It's about acceptance and there's only one way to find out. "Okay. Guess I d better."

I stand up and Giles picks up my belongings.

"Trust yourself and the others might follow."

As we walk to the taxi I sigh. Gaia, I hope he's right.

"Flight 138. London to Chicago is now boarding at gate 67."

I give a deep sigh. This is it. I'm heading home.

"Looks like my number's up," I say, trying to grin.

Giles leans down and kisses my forehead as he strokes my cheek. "Be strong Willow. I have faith in you. Don't forget that."

"I won't Giles a-and I could say thanks for everything but that seems kinda lame. But thanks for everything."

"You're quite welcome."

"Any chance of getting you to visit the Hellmouth soon? It's the number one vacation spot for Watcher's I hear." I give him a chuck on the shoulder and he grins.

"I'll try to visit soon. The council is concerned about the recent turn of events but I will try to make the time I promise."

I feel like I'm going to cry so instead of turning into a blubbering mess I simply wrap my arms around him and pull him close to me, hiding my face.

"I love you Giles. Thanks for believing."

"I love you too Willow," he replied before kissing the crown of my head. "Take care dear. Remember I'll be in meetings tomorrow but I'm just a phone call away. You know I'll contact you as soon as I can."

I pull away and pick up by travel bag without looking at him. I can't look at him just yet and I go up to the ticket clerk handing my ticket over. She nods me ahead but before I pass the final gate I look back to see Giles grinning at me. I grin too and give him a wave, which he reciprocates, before starting on my way. Once my back is turned and I'm heading toward the fuselage only then do I let the river of tears flow. I know I'll miss his guidance. His stories. But most of all I'll miss him.

I realize while waiting for the layover that this wool coat and sweater aren't gonna cut it in California so I head to the restroom with my flight bag in hand. After a quick change into a blouse and leather jacket I decide to go in search of some coffee. I'm three hours from Sunnydale now and I need caffeine of some kind. I reset my watch. If my plane's on time I'll get in around 9:30 pm west coast time. And with any luck I'll have someone waiting to pick me up. Not long after I return with my mocha in hand, the plane begins boarding and I know It's now or never. I could run. Chicago is what's known as a hub. You can get anywhere in the world from Chicago. But I take a deep breath and square my shoulders as I stand. I can do this. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps.

The pilot welcomes me to Sunnydale. Okay he welcomed all the travelers to Sunnydale over the P.A. but that's not the point. At least I heard someone say it. As the overly friendly, obnoxious flight attendants bid us goodbye I take my time walking. I pace my steps carefully because my legs feel quite wobbly. I'm still not even sure what I'm going to say when I see them. Maybe I'll start with I'm sorry and take it from there. But the truth is I really, really, really am not ready to see any of them yet. And I wish I could postpone if only for a little bit longer. But wishing it won't make it so.

I enter the airport and I look around.

No Buffy. No Dawn. Not even Xander.

I thought at least Xander, out of anyone, would be here but then again why should he. I hurt him too after all. I can't help but feel a sense of utter defeat wash over me as I look around at other arrivals being hugged and kissed by loved ones. I had loved ones in my life but apparently I pissed it all way in my anger and despair. I try to remember Giles words before I left. I might not be wanted but I'll be needed. I give a deep sigh.

"Welcome home me."

I paid the cab driver and looked at the house. It wasn't very lit but in the evenings it never was. Buffy was usually on patrol and Dawn spent most of her time in her room listening to her music.

I knew I had to walk up to the front door and knock right at this very moment. If I didn't, I knew I would chicken out and ask the cabbie to take me someplace else. Where? I didn't know. But any place but here sounded good. There didn't seem to be any movement inside as I climb the porch steps. I knock but no one is coming. The back door was usually unlocked so I decide to make my way back there.

As I expected, it's open. I take a tentative step inside, looking around.

"Buffy? Hello?"

Still no answer. It's pretty dark inside and it looks like nobody is home. I take to the stairs to go to my old room. I see Buffy's name on the door. My room is official gone now and maybe I am too. With an unsteady breath I open it and take a look around. No Buffy here either. As soon as my foot enters my mind remembers. I make my way over to the window and I see it's been repaired. My fingers trace the glass and I can hear it. I can see it. And I can feel it. All over again.

But I don't want to dwell on it. Focus on living Giles told me. Focus on living. Focus on living. I look around and I see Buffy's planner on her desk and I make my way over. I see all of Buffy's pictures with everyone over there. Well, everyone except me and it feels like the final nail in the coffin. I pick up the planner in the hopes of seeing where the gang might be.

Suddenly I hear the front door open and the planner falls to the floor but I don't bother to pick it up. I race down the stairs. Maybe someone's home.

"Dawn? Did I hear the door?"

I look around but there's nothing. No one. What the hell? Again Giles comes to mind. I might not be wanted but I'll be needed. They have to be here at some point so I might as well get comfortable, I figure.

As I lay down on the couch I didn't realize I was this tired and I close my eyes. Anxiety is draining and to be honest I've been anxious since I knew I was coming back here. I figured my wait would be over after I got off the plane. I would know where I stand as a scoobies, as family. Seems yet again I was wrong.

When I wake up I notice the room brightly light. It's morning now but still no one seems to be home and if they are they didn't wake me. No. They can't be here. If someone came home I would have heard them. I wouldn't have slept that soundly. I wonder if Giles has heard anything. It would also be nice just to hear a voice. Home eight hours and I haven't seen a single soul. It's already getting lonely. I go to the phone and dial.

"Hello. I'm calling for Giles - ah Mr. Giles, Right. Council meeting all day. No, no. I know, he can't be reached there. Thanks. Bye."

I'm a bit concerned at this point. Someone must know where they are or at least what's going on. Maybe something happened. Giles said bad things were on the way. Maybe the bad stuff got here before I did. I consider my options. Xander is probably working but where was another question. Yeah the high school over the summer but his crew might have moved on. The only other person that might know. That's it. I take a deep breath and I square my shoulders. I need to get it over with at some point anyway. I go to the front door and head to the Magic Box.

It's a shorter walk than I remember. Or maybe I'm just dreading actually finding someone. Maybe I don't want to hear the news. Maybe things are really bad. Maybe things are beyond repair for me and they really are avoiding me by leaving town.

As I walk up I see Anya coming out with a box. Great! Someone is still here.

"Anya!" She looks scared and starts to back away. Shit. No wonder no one met me. Maybe they all feel this way. "Anya, don't! Don't run away."

She still looks unsure as she asks, "What are you doing here? I thought you were with Giles studying how to not kill people."

"I just got back."

"Just got back, as in you're all better, or just got back to bring about a fiery apocalypse of death."

"Neither," I confess. ",but I-I have been studying, working real hard. A-and I-I'm gonna be fine."

"Oh. Good. 'Cause I remember the last time you said that. I've spent a lot of time since then cleaning the debris out of my ex-livelihood. Stuff like that."

"Well, yeah, I wanna help any way I can with that. I-I feel really responsible."

Finally she's calm enough to walk toward me. Or maybe she's just pissed off and doesn't care. I watch her sneer grow as she comes closer. "You feel really responsible? You ARE really responsible!"

"I-I know I hurt you and-and everyone. I'm sorry." I wish I could give her more. But there really isn't any more I can do.

"Here's something you should know about vengeance demons: We don't group with the "sorry." We prefer "Oh, God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones."

Well that would do too I guess.

"Go on. Say whatever you want. Rib bones and so forth. I-I deserve it."

"Then you won't mind?" All I can do is shake my head no. I really wouldn't and I do feel a bit overdue for a major butt kicking. And she certainly should be one of the first in line. "Well, then, that's no fun," she adds.

"Sorry," I say with a shrug.

I take a seat on the curb and I watch Anya give me a sigh and sit down, putting the box she's holding behind her. A horned demon skull catches my eye and I pull it from the box. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I don't think Anya would follow through on the rib bones comment but then again. Anyway having something to touch and divert my eyes seems to help. I'm having a hard time looking at her after what I've done.

"So, um, where is everyone these days?"

"Well, I'm back in my own apartment. And, of course, vengeance takes me all over the world. I was in Brazil yesterday. They love their soccer."

Suddenly the horn I'm touching breaks. Uh Oh. I wonder if she'll notice if I just set this back inside real gentle like.

"And the others? Dawn, and, uh, Xander, Buffy?"

Casually I try to put it back in the box but she watches my every move. Yeah I'm busted. I can't seem to do anything but destroy what's hers and I wait for the comment. But it doesn't come.

"You haven't seen them?" she asks.

"Not so much."

"Huh, I guess they're still mad at you. They've been a little temperamental lately, just between you and me. We had this little mix-up a few days ago, and , "

I really don't want to talk about vengeance anymore. I need answers. "That sounds great," I say interrupting her. "So, um, where do you think they'd be?"

"Oh, at the new high school, probably. Everyone's all about the high school. Buffy's got some kind of job there helping junior deviants. Spike's insane in the basement. Xander's there doing construction on the new gym-."

"Wait. Spike's what in the whatment?"

"Insane. Base. Xander does construction. He likes to start early, so he's probably there by now."

I give her a nod. At least it's a start. They must be around someplace. "Look Anya. I've got to try to find them so I have to take off but I'll come by later a-and help you clean up or, something."

"There's nothing to clean. This is about the last of it. Building inspector shut me down. Guess they're afraid the roof may collapse on the customers. Silly, I know. It's only a few missing joces."

I give a sigh. Damn I feel horrible about it all. I reach out to stoke her arm, telling her so, but she pulls away slightly. Immediately after she looks uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry Willow you just... You scare me a little. You know?"

"I scare myself now and then," I tell her. "I don't blame you for feeling the same but I-I'd like to have the chance to make it up to you. To all of you... That's if I-I ever find them."

Damn it. This is turning out more difficult than I thought. My eyes shift to my boots. How am I gonna repair all this? What am I gonna do? I'm frustrated. I'm sorry. I'm scared. But suddenly, for some reason, I feel a pair of arms wrapped around me.

"Welcome home Willow," Anya says softly. "Now just don't go blowing things up again. Okay?"

What an Anya statement. I find myself starting to grin as I return the hug. "Thank you," I tell her sincerely. "A-And I promise no blowing things up."

I pull back and she has a slight grin on her face.

"I better get going," I nod behind me toward the street.

"Good luck finding them," Anya says as I start on my way.

"Thanks," I reply, giving her a wave in parting.

If Anya can try to forgive me maybe there's still hope. One down. Three to go.

I walk toward what looks like a construction pit but there's absolutely no one there. I'm not sure where the gym was set to go but this looks like a good enough place as any I'm assuming.

"Xander? Xander, you down there?"

I spot a ladder and decide to get a closer look around. Maybe he can't hear me from up here with the traffic. Once I'm on the ground again I look around searching but nothing. How is it possible that everyone just dis- . . . Holy God!

After my shock of seeing the skinless body in front of me wears off I wonder if what I'm seeing is real or maybe just a figment of my guilty conscious. With no Xander around I figure my next best bet would be Spike. Anya said he was insane but then again Spike never really was playing with a full deck anyway. Not that I can talk after all. I've had my share of moments lately. Especially now if I'm seeing skinned bodies that might not be real. But if it is real, and I think it is, I have to find the gang. And fast.

I make my way inside the school and I seem to 'blend' with the students who are rushing about. There has to be a way to get downstairs. I see a door marked Basement. No Student Access. Yeah. No doubt. Crazy vampires live down there according to vengeance demons. With that thought I actually pause a moment to realize how bizarre my life truly is but I don't dwell on it. I push the door and go inside. I walk amongst the shelves and extra classroom equipment, looking for any signs of life... or undead.

"Out!" I jump at the sound but find Spike standing before me. "This is my place," he continues. "You need permission to be here. You need a special slip with a stamp."

Anya's right. He did flip. "Spike. My God... I-."

"You go off and try to wall up the bad parts and put your heart back in where it fell out. You call yourself finished, but you're not. Worse than ever, you are..."

How did he know? He wasn't even around then. Seems the scoobies are still talking to him at least.

He paces back and forth but then stops tilting his head as if he's listening to someone. But no one is around. He looks a confused for a moment and he's not the only one. I can't put a finger on what he's even thinking. He starts to talk again but he's not facing me.

"You went away. You've been gone since..."

"I needed to go," I tell him, still not sure if he's talking to me or not. "But I'm back now. And I found...There's a body."

"Tragedy. Is there blood?"

Is there blood? "Uh, I, Yeah, and I can't find Buffy or Xander or Dawn. And there's this thing killing people. And the victim was...skinned. What could do that?"

"You did it once. I heard about it."

Word does travel quick in this town. "Anything other-other than me?"

Spike starts to smile walking away from me again, talking to the door.

"Look at you...glowing. What's a word means "glowing"? Gotta rhyme."

He has official lost it. "Spike?"

"Oh, ah, no. I-I-I should hide. Hide from you. Hide my face. You know what I did."

"What you did? You didn't do anything...did you?" How could you? You're a vamp not a witch or, a vengeance demon... Maybe Anya...

"Everyone's talking to me. No one's talking to each other."

Spike turns to face me with suspicion heavy in his eyes. He's gotta help me here. I have to try to get through to him.

"Spike, please try to listen to me."

"Someone isn't here," he said confidently, pacing around. "Button, button... who's got the button? My money's on the witch." He turns sharply and faces me.

Does he think I did this? Oh Hell maybe I did do this? How I'm not sure but... No this is just crazy. Spike must be rubbing off on me and I realize this is fruitless. Anya was right. Nobody's home in Spike's head. I wonder what brought this on but I've got bigger problems to try to solve at the moment.

"I gotta find them Spike. I'll try to stop by after I get it all straightened out."

I turn and walk a ways down the corridor and I find him still pacing and talking. I shake my head. Maybe his attack on Buffy sent him over the edge. He had disappeared. I remember bits and pieces of conversation I heard before I left to go to England. Most of my memory of that time was bits and pieces but I do remember Dawn saying he left town according to Clem. Wherever he went it certainly seemed to have an affect on him.

I realized that I could do a locator spell. I could find the gang that way. I try first with Xander and Buffy using the dirt floor as a map and a photo of the three of us I kept in my jacket. I use my power to concentrate and when I open my eyes I find myself but no Buffy. No Xander. What in the world is going on?...I've got no choice. I've got to go to Anya again. If I can't find the gang then maybe I can find this demon.

"I need help."

"I don't have any money."

"I don't want money," I say as I walk inside Anya's apartment without an invitation.

"Come in. Enjoy my personal space," she says shutting the door.

I don't have time to 'spar' with her. I need answers. "I found a dead body near the high school."

"Yes, that can happen," she nods.

"Something horrible killed a boy. Took his skin right off."

"Was it you?" we both ask each other. "No!"

"Well with the skin thing," Anya starts in on me. "They're definitely going to think it was you. Buffy is, anyway."

I nod slightly. "Yeah. I mean maybe she already does. I don't know. I just-I-I have to find whatever did this. I just-I need to do something right."

I've spent so long putting myself together and I don't want them thinking I'm evil again once I do find them. I have to find this thing first and lead them there.

"Oh, and so they'll think it wasn't you, right? I mean that has to be part of it. Maybe you're even thinking you kill this thing, they don't even have to know about it. Won't suspect you, even for a minute."

Damn. She's perceptive.

"No, I-I don't- When did you get all insightful?"

"I'm surprisingly sensitive."

Just lacking in tack I guess. "So, will you help me?"

"Is it difficult or time-consuming?"

So much for sensitive. "Not at all. Just a simple locator spell. But I-I need someone else to do a demon spell with me. Will you help?"

Anya gives me another sigh. "What do I have to do?"

Minutes later I've got the candles lit, the blinds closed and a map of Sunnydale between us.

"This isn't going to get all sexy, is it?"

I look at her, trying not to roll my eyes. "I'd be shocked." I reach for my supplies before turning back to her. "OK. Do you have your powder?"

"Oh, I ate that," she answers before giving a small grin and adding, "I have it." She shows me the bag and waits on my instruction.

"OK. We scatter it over the map, and everywhere there's a demon, a little light appears."

"Oh, pretty! Will it hurt the carpet?"

"No." At least I don't think it will. It never did before. "OK, scatter."

We dust the map and several glows fill in the map but there's a bright cluster located in the center.

"Hey look-that's me! Hello." Anya adds as she's pointing, "What's that huge clump?

"It's the high school. It's all hellmouthy underneath."

"Things have been stirring there lately. Is it getting brighter?"

Yeah it is and it looks like-Oh Shit! "Smoke!"

I jump to my feet and stomp out the fire with my foot. Anya bends down to see the damage and I cringe. This woman just isn't safe around me no matter what.

"Ah! OK! Remember our talk about the carpet?"

I examine the map trying to pin point a location. Well that and by looking at the map, it avoids the whole carpet talk conversation.

"Thi-this could be it. It's strong. It's near the body, and it's all by itself, hiding in the woods or-or maybe cave. There are a couple of good caves around there."

"I don't know. Sounds pretty thin to me."

"Well, that's why you teleport over there real quick like a bunn-." Don't say bunny. Don't say bunny. ",real quick and, uh, see if I'm right."

"No. Sorry. You damaged my carpet."

"Anya, you're a vengeance demon. Just teleport!"

"Well, as it turns out, teleporting isn't a right, it's a privilege. I withdrew a vengeance spell last week, and this is my punishment. I can only teleport for official business. I have to file a flight plan and everything."

"Oh. I'm sorry. That must be hard."

"Yeah, it bites a pretty big one. And the vengeance itself, i-it's not as fulfilling as I remember."

"Really?" I must say I'm shocked. "Cause I got the impression that you enjoyed, y-you know, inflicting."

"Well, causing pain sounds really cool, I know. But turns out it's really upsetting. Didn't use to be, but now it is."

"Is it like you're scared of losing that feeling again. And that having it be OK to hurt people. And then you're not in charge of the power anymore because it's in charge of you?"

"Wow, that was really over-dramatically stated, but, yeah, that's it."

"I get it. Believe me," I nod in support.

Anya purses her lips and tilts her head. "I'm sorry, Willow. I wish it were better for you."

"You too."

I watch as a playful smirk comes to Anya's face. "It did get a little sexy, didn't it?"

Hey, maybe I still got it. What the Hell am I thinking? This is Anya for Gaia's sake! "I have to find this monster," I tell her quickly, trying to make my escape. Anya and sexy just shouldn't mix.

I make my way to the door as she starts to speak. "Willow...um, isn't there another spell? I mean, you're trying to find Buffy and Xander. Couldn't we use a spell to do that?"

Damn. She's not giving up. She's still in pursuit here. "I did. I-I tried, and something went kaflooey, and it didn't work."

"What did it say?"

"It said they don't exist."

I exit and close the door behind me. No more spells. Not right now. No more Anya. Not right now. That was just... scary. And living on the Hellmouth I've seen some pretty scary things in my time. But that was... ewghh,

I look inside the cave before I enter. There's a small light from a fire but I can't see much else. I slide into the small opening and look around when I hear a voice.

"All alone."

I continue to search but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

"Look at the shorn lamb. See how she trembles. Is it the cold wind? Or is it that the flock is nowhere to be seen?"

Okay I'm getting freaked here. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should have found Buffy first.

"Poor little lamb all alone."

Okay. Okay. I'm officially freaked out. I hear a noise behind me. "What's going on? Who's there?" Suddenly I watch the entrance being blocked off by rocks, sealing me inside as I race over. "No! Stop!"

I struggle with trying to free the rocks when I hear a cackle behind me. This is not good. This is not good. Okay concentrate. Concentrate.

"No way out now. No way out."

Okay. I spell. I need to do a spell. "Protect me, Goddess. In thy name, I supplicate myself. Take the powers from my enemy, and lay him lower than the lowest field."

"Gnarl loves spells. He keeps them as pets. They love him. And they leave him alone."

I try to push the rocks away with my hands and my mind but it's useless. They're too big and I'm not calm enough to move them through magic. I've gotta make a stand here.

"You may be immune to magic, but I've got more than that," I tell the unseen voice. "You wanna fight?"

"Your friends left you here. No one comes to save you. They wanted me to have you."

The singsong tone of his voice is unnerving but I try to push it aside. Be strong. Be strong. You can do this. You can do this.

"Did they leave you as a gifty for me? Are you a tasty little gifty?"

"Stop it!"

"Or did they just throw you away?"

Wait a minute! He saw them? "Were they here?" I ask. "Were my friends really here? I heard something."

The voice doesn't answer and an intense pain rips across my stomach. I stumble back against the rock wall. My feet can't support me any more and I fall to the floor. I look up and I see him now , green, rubbery and sharp black claws , ugly as sin. This is certainly not good. Not at all. He starts again with the singing, the taunting but my limbs don't seem to be moving. The slice caused some kind of paralysis.

"They were here. Here they were," he taunts. "And there they went... Gone, all gone, what a pretty song... They sealed you in with me. I love a gifty. Can't wait to unwrap it."

I see my blouse being moved away and he leans over starting to lick me.

"Gnarl makes a pretty picture. It's easy when you know how. It's easy when everyone helps. They helped me. Too bad there's no one to help you."

I watch as he tears piece after piece of my skin away, savoring every bite. There are lots of ways to die in Sunnydale but this has to be one of the worst. But I won't die. I'm determined. I've got amends to make yet. Yeah maybe they're mad but they wouldn't do this to me. They wouldn't.

"They wouldn't leave. They'll return," I try to tell the demon but it's not very easy when you can't move your mouth.

He starts to laugh. "They don't want you. Lock you in, nice white skin... And if they do return, where will they find you? Inside me, you'll already be... Aww... love it."

"No, no, no..."

It's not gonna end for me this way. It isn't. I'm going to see them again. All of them , Buffy, Dawn, Xander. I can't die not telling them, not letting them know how I feel. I can't and I won't. I moan again, trying to will my feet to move to defend myself. I begin to run through a list of spells in my mind. Something that might stop or slow the paralysis. I hear something but I'm unable to turn my head. I watch as Gnarl leaps up and a few moments later Anya is standing over me.

"She's right here. Can't you see her? She's hurt!"

Who the hell is she talking to?

"Your hand-it's going right through her. What's going on?"

Good question. What is going on?

"Behind you! Remember what I said. Get him in the eyes."

Finally, Anya leans over me. "Willow, I'm here. Wow, you're really hurt."

"What's going on?"

"Buffy's fighting the demon over there, see. But if they get too close, I'm gonna have to run."

"I don't see."

"But they're here. Buffy and Xander."

"They came? They didn't leave me?"

"No, they didn't leave you. They can't see you."

Oh God! Thank god! I feel myself start to tear up. "They're here. They're here. I'm not alone."

"Good. You're doing really good."

I watch as Anya looks toward the back of the cave before turning to me again. "Oh, Buffy killed the demon. It was gross."

"I can...I can move!" the paralysis is gone but so is the numbing effect. "Oh..." I want to grab my stomach but I can't. That would be bad. I'm not even sure I want to look at it.

"She's right here." I watch Anya say over her shoulder. "OK, stand back. You're getting your feet in her."

I watch her shake her head and rise to her feet. "She's hurt really bad, you guys. I'm gonna go get help."

I watch Anya leave the cave but I feel better knowing that Buffy and Xander are here even if I can't see them. I want to see them again. More than ever.

"If you can't see me then chances are you can't hear me either but I want you guys to know how sorry I am. A-And I'd give just about anything to see you again. I wasn't ready before but I'm ready now. I'm more than ready now. I've felt so lonely when I couldn't find you guys and I looked everywhere. And the demon said that you left me and," Suddenly Xander and Buffy materialize in front of me. "Oh, there you are. There you are! Don't go away."

"We're not going away," Xander says before looking at my stomach "Oh, God"

Oh, God? Oh God is not good.

Almost as if she sensed my unspoken hysteria Buffy adds, "It's gonna be OK, Willow. You're gonna be OK."

Yeah I am. And I know why.

"I know. You're here."

When Anya had returned she brought Spike and Dawn with her. Buffy took my shoulders and Xander took my feet as they lifted me from inside the cave while Spike, Anya and Dawn steadied me out, making a human/demon gurney with their arms to slide me from the cave. It was tough going but I made it. Spike offered to carry me, or in his latest language, offered to give the bird a hoist because the sandman was coming. Whatever.

It was odd really. He fluctuates between babble and making perfect sense, kinda reminded me of myself a few months before actually. I passed on his offer because staying upright seemed like a better, less painful plan. So leaning on his shoulder, as well as Buffy's, we made it out of the woods and to the road.

Dawn brought the Jeep. Buffy was going to chastise her for driving since she didn't have a license but I told Buffy I saw the way Anya drives and they did make the safer choice when all was told. We piled in, dropping Spike off at the school, who'd sat in the cargo hold talking about the need for butterflies to make their homes on fire hydrants. Again...Whatever.

I didn't pay it much heed. Each bump in the road was hell on my stomach. But Xander sat on left, Anya on my right with both of them stroking my hair, telling me we were almost home. Once at the Summer's house, Dawn went out back to unlock the front door as Buffy and Xander helped me out. I never realized how much higher the Jeep sat until I had to slide out with a little hop, the effects of which caused a shooting pain around my stomach and up my back.

Once inside Anya helped get my coat off while Dawn readied the couch. Buffy sent Xander upstairs for some antibiotics and bandages. This really wasn't how I was intending our first meeting to go but life on the Hellmouth never goes quite the way you expect. Leaning on Buffy I quickly sit down and lay flat on my back. I didn't want to take my time. It was going to hurt so I might as well just get it over with as quickly as possible.

Buffy pulls up my shirt and she acts like she wants to reach out and touch it, to make it better but she stops herself.

"Nasty huh?" I ask looking down. I can finally see it in the light. It's a beauty all right. At least my new skills and spell-casting abilities will come in handy later. I look back up to see that Xander's returned with first-aid supplies in hand.

"Maybe we should take you to the hospital Will?"

I don't know how it happened. I don't know why it happened. But I just start crying hysterically. A growing sense of panic seems to sweep over everyone in the room except for Buffy.

"She's not going crazy again, is she?" Anya asks. "She told me she wasn't all better yet."

"Maybe she's really not done being evil," Dawn mutters. Both she and Anya take a cautious step away from the couch.

Buffy totally ignores their comments or movements and brushes my hair behind my ear. "What's the matter? Is it your stomach? What's wrong Will? Talk to me here."

"You," I managed to get out. Buffy's hand darts away but I reach out and take it. "No," I tell her trying to calm down enough to speak. "You called me Will. I thought you'd never call me that again. I'm not upset. Well I-I am upset but i-it's happy upset, not sad upset. I didn't think you'd ever speak to me again to be honest."

"I know I didn't speak to you while you were in England but I,I didn't want to hurt you. I was pretty angry Willow. I won't lie. I was mad. But I never stopped caring. Not ever."

"But this week, when Giles told you I was coming back, I heard him. He asked if you wanted to speak to me, but-."

Buffy is already shaking her head. "I told him I wanted to talk to you face to face when you got in. Of course I didn't plan on all this," she says motioning to my stomach.

"Well, neither did I," I confess. "I'm just glad that you don't hate me, or worse, don't care about me. Because I love you Buffy. I love all of you and I did so much damage here. And I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry for me. I'm sorry for you. You believed in me. You all had faith in me and I destroyed that in the course of two days and I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm sorry for everything."

I'm on the verge of crying again but I stop as Buffy uses the back of her fingertips to wipe the tears that are already on my cheeks.

"We know you are," Buffy told me.

"Do you? Because Giles told me I might not be wanted here but I'll be needed. I went to my room , my old room, a-and all your stuff was there. A-And all your pictures and it shouldn't be a big deal but there's no pictures of me there anymore. A-And when I couldn't find you-."

"I didn't put them up when I moved in there. I thought we could pick them out together when you got back."

"So you want me to stay? Because I-."

"Willow," Buffy stopped me. "Your old room is set up. I switched because, well, I didn't think it was good to keep you in the room where it all started, or ended, Dawn and I took the things that were Tara's and we packed them , like her journal, some clothes, things like that. They're upstairs in the attic next to mom's stuff. We didn't want you to have to deal with it. I hope you don't mind Will we just-."

"That's fine Buffy. Thanks for going through it for me."

"You're welcome and for what it's worth I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you doubt you still had a home. You do. And all of your things are waiting for you upstairs. I hope you stay but it's your choice."

"Of course I want to stay. I didn't think you'd want me around."

"We've missed you Will," Xander tells me. "We all have."

"See?" Dawn says pulling out Xander's sign from the side of the couch. "We had a welcome all ready."

I look at it and a grin widely. "Yellow crayon."

"Told ya she'd get it," Xander muttered to Buffy.

"So I still have a home?" I ask Buffy.

"You still have a home Willow. And a family that loves you."

I'm sitting in my comfy PJ's meditating or at least trying too. I feel her presence near me before I even open my eyes. I can feel her looking at me. Last night Anya gave me some painkillers with codeine that pretty much knocked me out. This morning I'm awake but not feeling much better. I sense Buffy start to move away from my door and I open my eyes.

"Buffy..." I call out making her stop.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"That's all I had left in me anyway."

She looks like she's not sure how to start the conversation but I give her time.

"I didn't realize meditating was such hard work."

"I'm healing," I tell her. "Growing new skin."

I watch as she walks deeper into the room. "Wow. That's magic, right? I mean, most people when they meditate don't get extra skin, right. 'Cause Clem should, like, cut back."

I grin warmly. Cute joke. She takes a soft seat on the bed being sure not to move it too much.

"It's magic," I tell her. "I'm drawing power from the earth to heal myself."

"We're on the second floor."

I chuckle. Practical Buffy as always. "You know Giles says everything's part of the earth. This bed. The air. Us."

"Explains why my fingernails get dirty even when I don't do anything."

"Plus you stuck your thumbs in a demon."

"True."

It feels wonderful to just be able to talk with her. To joke with her. Sure it's not a rip-roaring laughfest but it's a start. I close my eyes and lean back against the headboard, resting my eyes.

"You're wiped out. I-I should go."

"No. Please stay. I missed you so much when I couldn't find you."

"We missed you too. I missed you. Dawn's, uh, working on what caused the mutual no-see-ums, but so far we haven't- ."

"I did it."

"You did a spell?"

She starting to put on her lecture face and I know I have to explain. "I didn't mean to. I-I just remember thinking I wasn't ready to see you guys yet. I was afraid we wouldn't, you know, connect."

"So, you made it happen just by thinking it?"

"Guess I have a ways to go before I master my powers, huh?" I'm trying not to let my self-doubt show. Giles told me to be confident and the others might follow. I'm trying. I am.

"It's OK. As long as you're all right," she tells me.

"It's nice to be forgiven. Too bad I need so much of it."

Buffy gets quiet and I can see she's debating on her next words. "I have a confession to make," she starts. "I thought it might be you. With the flaying."

"I know," I answer with a nod.

"I wanna be the kind of person that wouldn't think that. Xander never thought it."

"He did, a little. Heck, I did a little. Xander has the luxury of not saying it, but you're the Slayer. You have to say stuff like that. It's OK. It's OK too if you still don't think I can recover from this magic stuff, 'cause, honestly, I'm not that sure about it either."

So much for confidence. But that's okay. Honest seems to fit me better and I'm still listening to that voice in my head. Now if only I could fix my stomach. Damn my stomach hurts. I'm wiped but I can't quit. I resettle myself and close my eyes.

"I thought you were too tired?" Buffy asks as she watches me start to meditate again.

I open my eyes and look at her. "It hurts too much not to try."

"I'm sorry."

"It just takes so much strength. I don't have that much," I confess. The last day has worn me out.

"I got so much strength, I'm giving it away," she grins.

At first I can't believe what I heard. She would be willing to give me a hand? "Are you sure?" I ask.

"Will it help?"

I grin. "Much."

Buffy settles herself across from me and takes my hands in hers. She closes her eyes and we begin to meditate together. Almost instantly I feel her strength surge through me as well as a sense of loyalty, devotion and warmth I imagined was long dead.

"Good," she says softly.

Yes it is good. It's good to be home.

The End 


End file.
